


Second First Times

by this_is_kelly



Category: Toy Story (Movies)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-31
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-12-29 23:12:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 40,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18303698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/this_is_kelly/pseuds/this_is_kelly
Summary: Andy goes looking for his father to try to salvage a broken relationship, and walks away with something completely different when he meets a familiar face from his past.  While he tries to mend one part of his life, something new begins to grow and blossom.  Andy just hopes he can hold on to this new secret before it breaks, too.





	Second First Times

**Second First Times**

 

***

            Andy triple checks the address he wrote down on a scrap piece of notebook paper. He looks at the building in front of him.  This is where Google told him to go.  It’s a little more run down than Andy expected, based on the pictures from their website.  It’s a square, bricked structure, with square windows and a square roof.  It’s unremarkable in everywhere except the nine-foot fence surrounding the back and the large sign near the front door:

_Down Shift_

_Sales & Repairs_

            He gets out of his car, a Honda Civic nearly as old as him, and walks into the building.  Inside it looks the same as it does online: clean with white floors and new bikes for sale on display in neat lines.  The walls are painted black, except the one behind the register, which is red, and framed posters and photographs of bikes and riders are hung up high.  Andy feels his hands shake a little as he walks towards the register where a younger guy sits on a stool.  He has on a black button-up shirt, short sleeves, and he has a longer shirt underneath with the sleeves pushed up to the elbows.  One of his arms has black lines drawn all over it. He has a green camo-print baseball cap on, turned backwards.

            “Can I help you?”

            The guy looks up and Andy nearly chokes on his own breath.  He knows this guy.  The dark messy mop on his head is familiar, the patch of hair on his chin, and the dark eyes. 

            “What are you doing here?”

            Andy falters.  “I don’t – I mean.  I didn’t know you worked here.”  He glances at the button-down shirt.  It has the name of the shop embroidered on the right, and the guy’s name embroidered on the left.  _Sid_.

            “For a while, yeah.  I’m guessing you didn’t come here for help on your math homework.”

            “Huh?”

            Sid rolls his eyes.  “We were in the same math class.  Geometry. Two years ago.  Last math class I ever took.”

            “Oh, right.  Haha.” But Andy isn’t laughing; he’s just more nervous now.  “I’m looking for my dad.  He works here.  Jim Davis?”

            “I forgot he was your dad.  You’ve never come around here.  Hold on.” Sid gets up off the stool and disappears through a door behind him.  Andy paces in front of the register, nervous and slightly ill.  He hopes he doesn’t throw up on this white tile.  Sid comes back with a man who looks surprisingly like Andy, only balder, fatter, and older.

            “Holy shit.  Andrew. What are you doing here?”

            Andy looks at his dad, then glances at Sid who is back on the stool.  “Can we go outside and talk?”

            “Does your mom know you’re here?”

            “Of course not.”

            “I don’t supposed she’d approve.”

            “Seriously, can we talk somewhere else?”

            Jim Davis doesn’t move.  He crosses his arm over his chest.  “Andrew—”

            “No one calls me that and if you hadn’t ignored me for the last twelve years, you’d know that, too.  Can we _please_ talk somewhere else?”  When Jim still doesn’t move, Andy continues.  “I came by because I’m going to be a senior in a couple months and I thought – I don’t know – that maybe you’d like to get to know me before I go to college.  Molly is going into seventh grade and she’s on this competition gymnastics team and is always traveling around with Mom and – I mean – I thought maybe you’d want to get to know her too.  There’s talk of them moving closer to the city when I go to college.  For her gymnastics, I mean.  And then I’ll be gone, too, to school.  This is the last year left.”

            “Everyone’s fine?  Your mom is okay?  And Molly?”

            “Yes.”

            “That’s good.”  He uncrosses his arms and puts his hands in his pockets. 

            Andy glances behind him at Sid again, who now had headphones on and is flipping through a book and doodling things in the margins.  Andy wonders if the music is really playing or if he’s just trying to give the illusion of privacy.

            “Are you here to hash out why I left?”

            “No,” says Andy, “I don’t care about any of that.  But I thought maybe you didn’t know how to come back.”

            Jim seems to consider this and he sighs.  “You can’t tell Jennifer.”

            Andy rolls his eyes.  “I know the things I can and can’t tell Mom.”

            “Where does she think you are now?”

            “Playing basketball with some friends.”

            “I get off in an hour.  Come back by and we’ll go for a beer.”

            “Dad.  I’m seventeen.”

            “All right, we’ll make yours root beer.”

            Andy agrees and Jim walks back through the door leading to the shop.  Andy hesitates, looking around the store again, unsure of what to do with himself for the next hour.

            “Did you listen to all that?” Andy asks, looking at Sid. 

            Sid has the decency to pretend not to hear, and takes off his headphones. “Sorry, I couldn’t hear you.”

            “Yeah, right,” Andy mumbles, and turns to leave. 

            “Hey, wait.”

            Andy turns.  Sid has gotten up again and is walking over to him.

            “Sorry, I really wasn’t listening once I realized it was getting intense. I didn’t know you hadn’t seen your dad.”

            “Yeah, well.”  Andy shrugs. “Is this what you’re doing now?  I mean, working here.  Did you go to school after graduation?”

            “No. I ruined all those chances in high school.  I barely passed.”

            “Yeah.  I remember.” Andy feels himself flush.  “You still live in that same house?”        

            Sid nods.  “Yeah. You know, your dad got me the job here. He’s friends with my old man.”

            “Jesus, you probably know him better than I do.”

            “Don’t feel weird about it.  My dad sucks, too.”

            “I remember,” says Andy, feeling odd that he’s agreeing.  “I remember being scared of him when I was little.”

            “I thought you were scared of me, too.”

            Andy definitely knows he’s blushing now.  “Yeah, a little.”

            The bell over the door rings as a customer walks in.

            “Ah, duty calls,” says Sid.  “Listen, I’m here Mondays through Fridays, so if you come to see your dad again, say hi.”

            “Oh, right, sure.  Okay.”

            Sid clamps him on the shoulder as he walks past.  Andy stands there for a moment, unsure of how to feel.  Even in Geometry, Sid was never nice like this. Andy remembers him and how he sat in the back of the classroom, doodling on his paper, never doing the assignments, sometimes handing in blank quizzes or tests.  Once he got mad at the teacher and knocked his chair over as he left the room to go to the counselor’s office.  The guy here in the shop definitely doesn’t act like the guy Andy remembers.

            He ends up waiting in his car for the last forty-five minutes, counting down the minutes until his dad gets off work.  Jim has the same old pick-up truck that’s rusted at the seams, kind of like him. He throws some stuff inside and heads to Andy’s Civic.

            “We’ll go to the Rib Shack.  Mostly bikers.  Your mom won’t know anyone there so she won’t find out.  Follow me, okay?”

            Andy agrees and follows his dad a few miles down the road to another run-down building.  It has a dirt parking lot and several guys lingering out front with cigarettes. Once inside, it isn’t much better. There’s a haze of smoke lingering in the air, and Jim goes to sit down at a booth against the wall.  Andy sits across from him.

            “We all go to this place,” says Jim.  “From work, I mean.  I don’t know why it’s called the Rib Shack, it’s really a crappy bar.”

            Andy nods.  “Right.”

            “So what do you want to know?”

            Andy asks him about what he’s been up to the last decade.  Jim tells him about the other women he’s dated, the places he’s moved, and how he’s only been back in town for about a year.  He was a car mechanic for a while and then met a guy opening up a bike shop and learned all about bikes from him.  He followed another buddy to Down Shift and since it had a reputation of being the best repair shop around, he accepted the position. He doesn’t ask Andy about much, mostly interested to hear about his time on the varsity basketball team last year. He smokes during dinner, and orders Andy a beer, which he doesn’t end up touching.  Coming home smelling like smoke will be hard enough to explain to his mom without adding beer breath to the mix.

            Afterwards, Jim tells Andy to come by the shop whenever he wants, but emphasizes that one o’clock is his lunch hour.  Andy drives home and tries to avoid his mom so he can throw his clothes in the hamper and take a shower before she asks too many questions.

***

            Behind the tall fence behind the shop is where are the riding lessons take place.  A full track, paved, and a set of older bikes.  Several wooden picnic tables stand next to the building, and over the next few weeks, Andy stops by around lunch, bringing bagged burgers and fries from Burger King or burritos from Taco Bell.  He sits with Jim and they talk, usually about the day to day, nothing intense or personal, skimming the surface of meaningful conversation.  Jim shows him around the shop, talks to him about the bikes he’s working on.  The shop is small, only five guys work on bike repairs.  Another two guys do custom builds and someone else, who Andy hasn’t met yet, does all the airbrushing and design.

            He makes sure to say hi to Sid any time he’s in the shop.  Normally he’s in the front, by the registers, writing or doodling in that book he has.  Sometimes he has on headphones and drums out a beat with his pencils.  The Sid from Andy’s childhood was angry and loud.  Everything he did was angry and loud, from slamming doors to yelling at his sister, from setting off firecrackers to bouncing basketballs as high as he could in his driveway.  This Sid, sitting behind the register with rings on his thumb and middle finger on his right hand, two earrings in his left ear, messy hair and the beginnings of a beard – this Sid is a different person.  Not necessarily happier, but definitely not angry. Sometimes steals glances at him and thinks Sid almost looks sad. 

            One afternoon Andy stops by near closing time.  He’d gone to the movies earlier in the day with a few of his friends, mostly guys and girls from the varsity basketball team and a couple of cheerleaders. They were all going to go to Waffle House after, but Andy skipped out, deciding to stop by Down Shift instead. It’s a Thursday night and his father usually works this day, but when he gets there, Sid tells him Jim isn’t around. 

            “Oh.”  Andy is annoyed; he could have been out with his friends.

            “We’re about to close up,” says Sid.

            “Right.  Well. Have a good night.”

            “We’re going to play poker, if you want to join.  Me and a couple of the other guys.  Thursday night tradition.”

            “I don’t know how to play,” says Andy, shrugging uselessly. 

            Sid eyes him as though taking him in, trying to decide something. 

            “Is it easy to learn?”

            Sid smirks.  “We play for jobs, so even if you’re bad, the only thing you’ll have to do is clean up around the shop.”

            “You don’t play for money?”

            “Nah, none of us have any.”

            “Oh. Do you think they’d mind?”

            Sid shrugs.  “Why would they?”

            “I’m not – I don’t work here and I don’t ride motorcycles and I look—”  Andy stops and looks down at himself.  He has on Vans, slim-cut jeans, and a bright blue shirt.

            “Like you lived in the ‘80s?”

            “No!”

            “Yes!” mocks Sid.

            He’s teasing him, Andy can tell that much, and it catches him off guard.  But then he’s smiling, too, and blushing again. 

            “You don’t have to look like me to clean up oil spills in the shop.  They’ll let anyone do it.”  Sid looks at his phone.  “Jose went on a beer run and Doug is still cleaning up his work bay, so we probably won’t start for another half hour at least if you want me to teach you some basic rules.”

            Andy nods.  “Yeah, okay. Cool.”

            “Come on.”

            Andy follows Sid through the back of the shop.  It’s quiet and Doug is the only one back there, lining up his tools in his tool box.  There’s a new bike on the right side of the shop, where all the custom work is done, that is almost put together, but there isn’t any color on one side.  Andy slows to look at it, and asks Sid, “So what’s the deal with that bike?  It looks … weird.”

            “Oh, that’s some custom build that some rich asshole wants to display in his house.  Barely street legal, look at this thing.”

            “How come only one side is painted?”

            Sid walks over to it and points at the artwork.  The details are amazing on something so small.  A city landscape, purple sky, with stars in specific constellations that Andy knows he learned in science but can’t remember now.

            “Because I haven’t airbrushed the other side yet.”

            “Wait, _what_?”  Andy’s eyes go wide.  “You did that?”

            “Yeah,” says Sid as though it was obvious, “I do all the airbrushing here.”

            “I had no idea.  Jesus. This is amazing.”

            Andy bends down to get a closer look at the bike.  He touches the airbrushing lightly, memorized by how perfect it is. Sid bends down next to him and starts pointing out parts of his picture and why his client wanted them.  Their knees are pressed together, and Andy swallows hard, feeling his pulse quicken.  He knows Sid must be aware of how they’re touching, but doesn’t seem bothered.  Sid points out other parts of the bike, how the front wheel is skinnier than the back, how the exhaust curves, how the brakes work.  He stands and offers a hand to help Andy stand, too.  He blushes and gets annoyed with himself for always turning red around Sid.

            “There’s not a lot of custom jobs like this.  Usually guys just want specific colors, easy shit.  The pictures is new.  I’ve only been doing it here for a few months.  Not a lot of business in it yet.”

            Sid grabs a pack of cards and a pack of cigarettes from a toolbox near the back door.  He goes outside and Andy follows.  He lights up and offers the open pack to Andy who shakes his head.

            “Have you ever?”

            Andy shakes his head again.  “Never wanted to.”

            Sid shrugs and unbuttons his work shirt as he looks up at the sky.  It’s hot outside, even though the sun has already begun dipping below the trees.  Andy wishes he wore shorts so he wouldn’t sweat out here.  Sid goes to sit down at one of the tables.  It’s square with four small benches on each side. Andy sits on the empty seat next to him and watches as Sid shuffles the cards.

            “We play five card draw,” says Sid.  He deals the cards.  “Show me what you have.  I’d keep the ten and the jack, but get rid of the other three.  Then I’ll deal you three more cards.”  Sid explains the rules, royal flushes and full houses.  He tells him how they don’t play with wild cards, but sometimes they strip the deck of all 2’s and 3’s since there are usually only four of them playing.  Andy nods, understanding the rules, but really unsure how anyone wins since it’s a game built solely on chance.  “The fun is in the bluffing.”

            “I’m a really bad liar,” says Andy.  “Everyone always knows when I’m not telling the truth.”

            Sid shrugs.  “You’d be surprised.”

            Doug comes out the back door and immediately lights a cigarette of his own. He has tattoos down both arms and across his neck.  He’s stocky, bald, and wears a wedding ring that looks like it might be cutting off circulation to his finger.  He sits at the table and takes the discarded cards and shuffles them.

            “Your dad went out to Vegas for the weekend with his girlfriend,” Doug says.

            “Oh.”  Andy is hurt. He had no idea his dad was leaving town, which bothers him less than not knowing he had a girlfriend.  “I forgot,” he lies.

            Sid smirks.  “You _are_ a bad liar, aren’t you?” he whispers.

            “You want one?”  Doug asks, motioning towards the pack of cigarettes on the table.

            “No. I need my lungs clear for basketball.”

            “Yeah?” says Sid. 

            “I’m short, but I’m fast,” replies Andy.  “I’m point guard on the varsity team – have been since sophomore year.”

            “I had no idea.”

            “You don’t ever go to see your sister play?” Andy asks.

            “Yeah, of course.  I don’t stay for the boys’ games, though.  Never had a reason.”  Sid clears his throat.

            “Hannah plays basketball?” Doug asks.

            “Yeah, she made varsity last year.  She’ll be a junior this year.  She plays soccer, too.”

            “What’d you do during high school?” Doug looks at Sid.  “I’m guessing not sports.”

            “No, not sports.  Mostly got high and cut class.  My art teacher tried to get me to join art club, but I’m not really the joining kind of guy.  Ah, look, there’s Jose and Johnny.”

            Jose drops three six-packs of beer on the picnic table.  He immediately takes one and opens the cap with the end of his lighter.  The cap pops off and flies up in the air.  He hands the bottle to Sid.  He opens up one for the rest of them.  He hands the last one to Andy who holds up his hands and shakes his head.

            “No, thanks.  I still have to drive home.”

            “We all have to drive home,” says Sid.  “Take one.  If you get drunk off one beer, _I’ll_ drive you.”

            Andy nods and takes it.  “Cheers,” he says and takes a sip.  He’s had beer before.  He got drunk off Everclear and Micolob Ultra over spring break at a party at Cliff Harlow’s house, one of the other basketball players.  He ended up making out with McKenna Rockfield in a bathtub somewhere upstairs. 

            “You’re in my seat,” Johnny says, clapping Andy on the back.

            He jumps up.  “Oh, sorry.”

            Johnny sits and drums his hands on the table.  “Everyone ready?  I made new cards.”  He takes out a bunch of index cards from his shirt pocket.  “New chores.  I added cleaning the shop floor, cleaning all the rags, and, my favorite, cleaning the bathroom toilet.”  He hands out the chore cards.

            “Wait, you have to deal Andy in,” says Sid.  “Sit down.”  He slides over to the end of his bench. 

            Andy sits next to him, even though there’s barely enough room.

            “No way,” says Johnny.  “You’ll cheat.”

            “Me?” says Andy.  “Impossible. I barely know how to play.”

            “How is he gonna collect if he loses?”

            “He’ll come back to see his old man,” says Sid, “and we’ll just make him divvy up what he owes.”

            “He’ll pass out if he has to clean that bathroom,” says Jose with a laugh.  “But I know I ain’t doin’ it.”

            “I’m dealer,” says Doug.  He takes the deck of bicycle cards and shuffles them one more time for good measure. “It can’t be too late a night this time. Tina will lose her shit if I come home drunk at midnight again.”

            “That’s his wife,” explains Sid to Andy. 

            “That’s why I’m never gettin’ married,” says Jose.  He lights a cigarette.   “I’m not dealing with that shit.”

            “That’s because you can’t find anyone who’d want to marry you anyway,” says Sid with a sly smile.  He takes his cards and looks at him.  “You haven’t had a girlfriend in four years.”

            “You don’t got any room to talk, at least I been around.  You ain’t ever even kissed a girl before.”

            Doug and Johnny laugh.  Andy looks at Sid who is still smirking.  He shrugs and takes a long drag from his cigarette.

            “You always say that like it wounds me,” says Sid around his cigarette, still looking through his cards.  “Give me two, Doug.”  Sid puts two cards face down on the table and takes two more from Doug.  “Ah, that’s more like it.”

            Andy is shocked.  He realizes his mouth is gaping open and he picks up his beer and puts it to his lips. He looks at his cards and has no idea which ones to keep or lose, so he chooses three at random and places them face down.

            He’s lost all his chore cards within four rounds.  He isn’t sure if he should stay or leave since he has nothing to play, but instead Sid invites him to look on with him, points out which cards are good, which should be discarded, and he watches him bluff his way through the next four hands.  When Doug is out, he bids everyone goodbye and leaves.  Sid opens up another beer for Andy, and by this time, Andy knows he is too buzzed to drive.

            It’s almost midnight when only Sid and Jose are left in the game.  When Sid wins, Jose curses and throws his hands up in the air.

            “Please don’t make me clean the shop bathroom,” he pleads.

            Sid laughs.  They both stand and give each other a very manly hug.  Sid lights another cigarette as he starts to clean up all the empty beer bottles.  Andy jumps up to help.  He feels a little unsteady on his feet.

            “You all right?” asks Sid.

            “Uh.”

            Sid laughs around his cigarette.  “You’re a lightweight.”

            “Always.”

            “How many beers did you have?”

            “Five?  Or maybe six.”

            “I’ll drive you home.”

            “What about my car?”

            Sid shrugs.  “Get a ride back here tomorrow?” he suggests.  “Don’t any of your friends drive?”

            “No one knows I come here.  I don’t really want my mom to find out.  She hates my dad.”

            “Right,” says Sid.  “I guess I can come get you on my way in.  Then at least you’ll be back here doing some of these shop chore cards.”

            “Oh my god, you’re going to get me to clean the toilets, aren’t you?”

            Sid laughs.  “Maybe.”

            They finish throwing everything away.  Sid motions for Andy to follow him, and they walk back into the shop.  Sid closes and locks all the doors leading to the back and then they go through the sales floor.  Sid uses his key to lock up, turning off the lights before leaving. He has an old black Jeep Cherokee, boxy and worn.  Andy climbs into the passenger seat and puts on his seat belt.  The car smells like gasoline and cigarettes and something else that Andy can’t put his finger on.

            “It’s weed,” says Sid.

            “Huh?”

            “I see that look on your face, trying to find out what that smell is.  I can’t get it out of the seats.  Guess it soaked into the cloth.  Too many years of getting high.”  He starts the car and throws his cigarette butt out the window.

            “You still do that now?”

            “Sometimes.”

            “I never have.”

            “I’m _shocked_ ,” says Sid with thick sarcasm.  “You’ll have to tell me how to get to your house.”

            Andy gives him directions and watches him drive.  “You’re so different.”

            Sid shrugs.  “People are allowed to change.”

            “Have you really never kissed a girl before?”

            They come to a stoplight and Sid lights another cigarette.  He watches Andy from the corner of his eye.  “That is correct.”

            “So in twenty years you’ve never kissed one girl?”

            “Nineteen, but right.”

            “But – what the fuck?  How have you not?  I mean.” Andy waves his hand towards him. “Look at you!  You’re telling me not one single girl in high school was into that whole bad boy bullshit thing?”

            Sid turns his head completely towards him with a blank expression and blinks. “What?”

            “I thought girls were really into that image.  Like, the outlines of your tattoo” – he motions towards Sid’s arm – “and the hair and the earrings and the boots and I mean, you work at a fucking motorcycle shop.  Don’t most girls find you hot?  I’m just shocked is all.”

             “You’re really drunk, aren’t you?”

            “Yes,” says Andy, exasperated with himself.

            “I’m sure some girls find me ‘hot,’” laughs Sid.  “But so do a lot of guys.  Just because I’ve never kissed a girl, doesn’t mean I’ve never been kissed.”

            “Huh,” says Andy, working out what Sid is saying.  “I’m not sure how to react to that.  So you’re—”

            “Gay, yes.”

            “And everyone knows?”

            “I don’t keep it a secret.”

            “Huh,” says Andy again.  “Turn left.” He directs Sid through his neighborhood until he pulls up in front of his house.  “Thanks for the ride.”

            Sid nods.  “Yep.”

            “What time tomorrow?”

            “Nine.”

            “Jesus, so early.”

            “Brush your teeth first thing when you get inside,” says Sid softly.  “It’ll help take the beer smell off your breath in case your mom is still up.”

            “Right.  Thanks.”

***

            Andy is fine the next morning.  He gets up early to take a shower and dress, and he’s barely ready when Sid is outside honking his horn in the driveway.  Molly is concerned that her brother is getting a ride from some guy who looks like he should be in a metal band, but Andy makes up a flimsy excuse and leaves. 

            Just as promised, Andy ends up cleaning half the shop before Sid tells him it’s okay to leave.  Andy doesn’t want to.  He knows he can’t stay there, Sid has a job to do and Andy doesn’t want to make things weird, but he also wants to figure out a way to hang out with him again. He’s interesting and fun and nothing like the friends Andy has from school.

            “Uh,” says Andy, fingering the keys in his pocket, “you wouldn’t want to hang out again, would you?”

            Sid looks surprised.  He sits on the stool behind the register again, doodling in that book.  “Really?  Why?”

            “I don’t know.  Forget it, I’ll see you later.”  Andy’s heart races and he feels humiliated.

            “No, wait.”  Sid reaches across the counter and grabs Andy’s arm to keep him from leaving.  “I meant – don’t you have your own friends? Why’d you want to hang out with me again?”

            Andy shrugs.  “I have friends, but it’s summer.  We run out of things to talk about when we don’t have basketball practice or school gossip to catch up on.”

            “I forget how young you are,” says Sid.

            Andy frowns.  “We were in the same Geometry class, you’re not that much older.  And I had fun with you last night.”

            Sid looks slightly skeptical but also thoughtful.  “What did you want to do?”

            “Go to a movie?”

            Sid shakes his head.  “I don’t like movies.  I play pool and darts a lot at the Rib Shack.  I usually hang out with my friends there.”

            “Oh.”  Andy tries to hide his disappointment.  “I don’t know how to play pool.”

            “Something else I can teach you,” says Sid.

            “Tonight?”

            “No, Friday nights are a no-go for me.  I have my trash route Saturday mornings.”

            “Wait, what?”

            “You didn’t know that?”

            Andy shakes his head.

            “I think I pick up at your house, actually.  Yeah, Wednesday and Saturday mornings, and every other Tuesday.”

            “You have two jobs?”

            “Yes.  Here.” Sid tears off a piece of receipt paper and writes something down on it.  “This is my number.  Text me tomorrow afternoon and we’ll hang out or something.  Once I’m done with my route and had a nap.”

            “Okay.”

            Andy takes it and says goodbye.  He drives his car through the Wendy’s drive-thru on his way home and gets both himself and Molly a large frosty.  For her it’s to say he’s sorry for the way he acted on the way out the door this morning. She accepts his apology when he gets back home, and asks if he’ll take her to the mall.  He knows she doesn’t like being bored, but she doesn’t have gymnastics on Fridays and most of her friends live in the city near the gym. She hasn’t ever made a lot of friends in school because she’s usually too busy practicing.  Other gymnasts are the only ones who seem to understand her. Andy doesn’t like that she’s lonely.

            He agrees and they go to the mall.  He calls one of his friends to join them, a cheerleader named Georgia. She’s the only girl in their social circle he can stand, and he’s pretty sure the feeling is mutual.  He lets Molly walk around on her own and he and Georgia go to the food court to split a pretzel.  They talk about nothing and everything, and he listens as Georgia complains about how their friend Brian Jenkins won’t stop asking her out even though she always says no and how their other friend Lena Hernandez keeps trying to get her to drop all her AP classes this year.  Andy carefully avoids mentioning his father or Sid, but when Georgia asks him why he smells like cigarette smoke, he can’t help but smile. 

            Later, at home, he orders pizza for everyone and when his mother gets home from work, she thanks him for taking care of dinner.  Normally he’d stay downstairs and watch _Wheel of Fortune_ with her, but he tells her he’s tired and goes upstairs.  He takes the receipt paper out of his pocket before throwing his clothes in his hamper. He throws on an old t-shirt and climbs into bed.  He has his laptop and searches through Netflix to find something to watch.  He adds Sid’s number to his contacts, and tries to decide if he should go ahead and text him.  He’s unsure what time Sid would even go to bed if he has to wake up really early for his sanitation job so he doesn’t want to wake him up, but he also has no idea what he’d even say. 

            Andy scrolls through Netflix with his phone still in his other hand.  He caves and sends a text: _Texting so you have my number.  This is Andy._   He knows it’s stupid and he’s probably being incredibly transparent.  Feeling attracted to a guy is nothing new for Andy. He’s had these feelings before, lots of times.  He isn’t even embarrassed by it.  But feeling something and acting on something are two very different things.  Andy hasn’t ever put a label on himself.  He’s had exactly two girlfriends in his life. One was in ninth grade and they held hands in the hallways and kissed once before she broke up with him to date Brian Jenkins for the next six months.  The other was junior year and they mutually broke up very soon after they had started sleeping together.  Andy is sure neither of them were heartbroken over the break up. 

            When his phone goes off, Andy nearly jumps a foot off the bed.  He grabs it and looks at it.  All Sid sent in reply was a thumbs-up emoji.  Andy’s heart drops.  He was hoping for a better response, one that might lead to actual conversation, or whatever the equivalent would be in text-form.  Andy watches a movie on his laptop and falls asleep with the screen still on.

            The next morning he wakes up, his laptop dead, and smells something cooking. His mom rarely makes breakfast these days, but every once in a while she’ll get up early on a Saturday and prepare homemade pancakes or waffles.  Andy grabs his cell phone to check the time and has a text from Sid sent at 4:31am.  _Meeting a friend after work.  Have 2 make it dinner instead of the afternoon. I’ll text u later._   Andy’s heart sinks deep in his chest and he feels a flare of jealousy, but he knows it’s unfair.  Sid has his own friends just as Andy has his.  He’s clearly allowed to see whoever he wants, but Andy still wishes Sid only wanted to see him today.

            He goes down to breakfast and fills up before his mom asks him to cut the grass. He does it, eager to have something to take his mind off Sid.  It doesn’t work, even with headphones in his ears, music blasting.  He tries to concentrate on the lyrics but his mind keeps wandering to Sid and this weird attraction he has to him.  Maybe being aloof is Sid’s style or maybe all of this is in Andy’s head – but yesterday Sid grabbed his arm to keep him from leaving and gave him his number.  Surely that at least meant he wants to be friends.

            Andy finishes both the front and back yards and ends up cutting his neighbor’s yard also.  Mowing lawns is how he makes his spending money every summer, and he thinks about going ahead and doing Mrs. Flynn’s yard as well, but the heat gets to him.  Molly brings him out a bottle of water on her way to gymnastics.  His mom waves goodbye as she pulls out of the driveway and Andy feels dead on his feet. He takes a shower and flops down on his bed, naked and damp.  He ends up napping for over an hour and wakes up to the vibration of his phone near his ear. It’s Georgia.

            _Do you want to go to see a movie?_

            He did, but not with Georgia.  Going to a movie would only remind him that his own afternoon plans got rescheduled. Or maybe cancelled since he isn’t sure if Sid is ever going to text him back. 

            _I can’t.  Maybe tomorrow?_

            Georgia texts back that her parents are dragging her to church tomorrow, but maybe they can do it Monday instead.  Andy agrees and they chat for a minute about how boring the summer is and Andy wants to tell her that he’s been seeing his dad.  Everyone knows his dad disappeared when he was five, when his mom was pregnant with Molly.  He’s sure his friends would be surprised to hear he had decided to seek him out.  Georgia is the only one who might actually be interested to know how conflicted he’s been about it.  She’s always proven to have a listening ear.

            Maybe Monday won’t be a bust.  Maybe Andy can go to the movies with Georgia after having lunch with his dad.  Andy would like to ask him why he left for Vegas without any warning and why he didn’t tell him he has a girlfriend. He’d hoped they’d moved past the secret stage of their new relationship but apparently not.

            It’s only three so Andy throws on a pair of boxers and goes downstairs to make himself a sandwich.  He plays some video games, eats some leftover rice, still cold, that his mom had in the fridge.  By the time it’s seven-thirty, Andy assumes he’s been stood up, even though it wasn’t a date, so when his phone goes off, he’s actually shocked.

            _Had 2 take care of some things.  Free now if u r._      

            Andy rolls his eyes.  He’s frustrated with himself because he wants to say something rude, to let Sid know it’s not cool to keep him waiting all day, but he doesn’t because he knows either way, he’ll still go and he doesn’t want to seem any more immature than Sid already thinks he is.  He texts back, _Sure.  Where do you want me to meet you?_

            He’s even more surprised when Sid responds _, Just come 2 my house.  Haven’t moved n 19 yrs._

***

            Sid has Andy leave his car in his driveway and they take his Jeep to the Rib Shack.  It’s the same restaurant Jim took Andy their first time seeing each other.  Most of the people inside are men, bikers or truckers or blue collar folks.  There are a few women, all of whom have a man they are hanging off of.  The bar is full, but Sid still slides in between two of the seats to order drinks.  He comes back with two bottles of beer and hands one to Andy.

            “Everyone here knows I’m not twenty-one,” he says.

            Sid rolls his eyes.  “You need to learn to relax.  Come on.” He walks over to the pool tables in the side room, away from the booths and tables.  The tables all occupied, but Sid goes up to two guys playing, shakes their hands as though he knows them.  Andy watches a few feet behind as Sid pulls out his pack of cigarettes and puts one to his lips.  He offers them to the guys, who both take them, and he lights his and hands his lighter off.  He turns to Andy and motions for him to join them.

            “This is Andy,” he says, “my old next door neighbor.  Ran into him the other day.  This is Mike and Kirkpatrick.  They’re about to rack up if we want to play teams.”

            Andy has no idea what any of this means, but he wants to remain as positive as possible so he nods.  “Sounds good.”

            “He’s never played.”

            “Ah, a pool virgin,” says one of the guys who Andy thinks is Kirkpatrick. 

            Both men are like Sid, hard bodies from real work, tattoos and boots.  Mike has a bandage on his arm which he says is from an accident on a construction site and Kirkpatrick has a limp from a motorcycle accident.  Andy listens to them and realizes just how young he is.  He has nothing to offer the conversation, so he tries to talk about music and movies, the only things he may have in common with these men.

            Sid tries to teach him the rules, helps him with his grip on the cue, but he’s more useless at pool than he is poker.  He tells him he can watch next game, but Sid smiles and shakes his head.

            “We’ll try darts.  You play basketball so I know you’re coordinated.  We’ll find something you’re good at.”

            Sid buys him another beer, and then two, and then Andy wonders what Sid is playing at since he knows Andy can’t hold his alcohol and his car is at Sid’s house. Andy tells him he can’t drink any more or he won’t be able to drive home, and Sid shrugs and says they’ll work it out.  Andy has no idea what the fuck that means, but he’s actually having a good time once he relaxes.

            They find a dart board and Andy is actually pretty good.  Almost better than Sid.

            “So how come you have two jobs?” Andy asks.  “I mean, you still live at home.”

            “My dad isn’t working right now,” answers Sid, “too sick, so I have to pay all the bills.”

            “That doesn’t seem fair.”

            “I’d move out but Hannah is only a junior and I take care of her right now.”

            “What do you mean?”

            “I mean, I buy all her school supplies and clothes and shoes and food and shit.”

            “Jesus.”  Andy throws a bullseye, but doesn’t celebrate.  He’s thinking how Sid matured so much in the last two years since he saw him in Geometry class.

            Sid shrugs.  “It’s cool. It’s kind of a small town so not many money-making jobs, you know?  I like the bike shop, though.  Wish it paid more.”

            “Is that what you want to do?  Work on bikes?  Like your career or whatever, I mean.”

            Sid laughs.  “My career?” He laughs again.  “Uh, I guess.  I work the counter, help with sales of parts and shit foremost, and the airbrushing is secondary.  Not a lot of work with that, honestly.  But maybe if I could make a career out of painting shit, sure.  Why, what do you want to do?”

            “Get a basketball scholarship to pay for college and be an architect.”

            “Shit, that’s legit.”

            Andy clears his throat and wills himself not to blush.  “I like drawing houses.”

            “You’ll have to show me one day.”

            “Okay,” he agrees, “sure.”

            “Your mom won’t pay for tuition?” Sid asks, collecting the darts for them to start again.

            “No, all her money is being sunk into my little sister’s gymnastics. She’s really good, actually.  She was at practice all day today.  It’s an hour away from the house, so they’re gone a lot.”

            “Hmm, interesting.”  Sid throws. Bullseye.

            “You’re good.”

            “Lots of practice.”

            “I guess you come here a lot?”

            Sid shrugs.  “I don’t know.  I avoid my house a lot and this place is open late.  I met those guys from trying to hustle them in pool one night.”

            “Are you kidding?”

            “No. It was only twenty bucks.  I used it to buy weed and then rolled them joints the next night and all was forgiven.”

            “Oh.”

            “You don’t like that, do you?  When I mention pot, I mean.”

            “I’ve never been around it, so I don’t really have an opinion, I guess.  I don’t know how I feel.”

            “That’s what I was doing today,” admits Sid.  “Buying weed over in Cedar Creek.”

            “Oh.”  Andy isn’t sure what to say and isn’t sure how he feels.

            “I give most of it to my dad.  He drinks less if he’s high and if he’s high, he’s less mean.”  Sid throws another dart as he says it and doesn’t look at Andy.

            “Oh my god,” Andy says, mortified at the thought. 

            Sid turns and studies him for a minute.  Then he rolls his eyes, musses Andy’s hair, and tells him to go collect the darts from the board.  He keeps the topics light after that, not mentioning his father or weed or anything else dark or weird.  Andy is buzzed, but not drunk.  If he waits another hour he’d probably be able to drive home, but if Sid insists on buying him another beer, he won’t be able to.

            “Is this where you hang out most nights?”

            Sid shrugs.  “A few nights a week, I guess.  You wouldn’t guess it, but it’s pretty open-minded.  There’s this motorcycle gang who comes in here a lot.  There’s a gay biking subculture.  And no one here ever seems to care, so they don’t care about me.  It was … unexpected, I guess, when I realized I could kind of be myself.  To an extent.”  He shrugs again.

            “Wow,” says Andy.  “That’s kind of intense.”

            Sid nods.  He’s eyeing Andy as though sizing him up or trying to figure him out. 

            “So you bring all your boyfriends here?” Andy asks, feeling bold.

            “I don’t do boyfriends,” laughs Sid.  “And I’ve met a couple guys here, but usually no.  This isn’t the first place I go if I’m looking to get laid.”

            Andy knows he’s blushing, just hearing Sid talk about getting laid.

            “Shit,” says Sid suddenly, hand up to throw darts again.  “It’s time to go.”  He quickly walks to the board and pushes all the darts in.

            Andy turns to where Sid was just looking, but he only sees a crowd of people. “What’s wrong?”

            Sid grabs his arm and leads him towards the door.  “Shh,” he says.  They’re halfway there when a man steps in front of them.

            “Hey Sidney,” he says.

            “Roger.  Hey.” He loosens his grip on Andy’s arm lightly.  “We were just leaving.”

            “You didn’t call me back.”

            “I know.  My phone got shut off.  I didn’t pay my bill.”

            Andy knows Sid is bluffing; he learned his tell the other night at poker.

            “I had a great time last week.”  Roger lowers his voice.  “If you want to get together again, that’d be great.  My wife is out of town until tomorrow—”

            “I can’t,” says Sid.  “I really can’t.”  He pushes Andy out the door and leaves Roger behind. 

            Sid lets go and walks towards his Jeep.  His body is tense and he lights another cigarette.  He pulls at his hair and kicks the front tire of his car. 

            “You weren’t supposed to see that,” says Sid.  He has both hands on the hood, gripping it like it’s the only thing keeping him on the ground.

            Andy leans against the passenger door and toes at the dirt.  “So you slept with that guy?”

            Sid groans.  “Shit,” he says.  “Yes.”

            “Even though he’s married?”

            Sid turns and leans his back against the car.  He’s close enough for Andy to touch him, but he doesn’t. 

            “Yes.”

            “Why?”

            “I don’t know.”  Sid takes a long drag from his cigarette and looks up at the night sky.  “I didn’t know he was married at the time.  Or maybe I knew and wanted to ignore it. He’s not that much older than me. The whole thing is fucked up.”

            Andy isn’t sure what to think.  Between the weed and Roger, Sid is more flawed than Andy originally thought.  It doesn’t curb his attraction, if anything it makes Sid seem more real.

            “I slept with this girl named McKenna,” says Andy, looking up at the sky, too.  “I didn’t love her, although I think she probably thought I did.  All my friends were doing it, and I did it too, just to kind of see what everyone was talking about.  It was okay, I guess.  We did it a few more times, but she eventually broke up with me.  I felt bad for a while because I kind of used her just to see what sex was like.  I’d never felt guilt like that before.”

            “She wasn’t married, though.”

            “Well, no.  She was sixteen.”

            “You still too drunk to drive?”

            Andy shrugs.  “I’m okay.”

            Sid unlocks the passenger’s door and then walks around to the driver’s side. He starts the car and flicks his cigarette out the opened window.  He drives back to his house, looking as though he wants to say something, but is quiet. He pulls into his driveway and turns off the engine.  There’s a light on above the garage, but everything downstairs looks dark.

            “Thanks for indulging me on pool and darts,” says Sid. 

            Andy laughs a little.  “It was cool.”  He gets out of the car and waits for Sid to walk around.  He isn’t tired and he doesn’t want to go.  He shoves his hands in his pockets to keep them from being awkward.

            “I guess I’ll see you around.”  But Sid doesn’t go inside and Andy doesn’t leave.

            “Um,” says Andy, and he knows he’s blushing, but maybe Sid can’t tell under the yellow light of the street lamp.  “I kind of don’t want to go home.”

            “I plan on going in, smoking the joint I rolled earlier, and going to bed. Maybe watching _Black Mirror_.”

            “Oh,” says Andy, disappointed.  “Never mind.” He tries to smile.  “I still appreciate you trying to teach me to play pool.”

            “Jesus, Andy, I meant you can come in if you want if you’re okay with what I’m planning on doing.”

            “I’ve never seen _Black Mirror_.”

            “You’d hate it.  We can watch _Kimmy Schmidt_ instead.”

            Andy smiles.  “Okay.”

***

            Andy texts his mom to tell her he’s staying over at Brian’s and she replies, telling him to have a good time.  Sid shows him to his room and excuses himself to go say goodnight to Hannah.  Andy is glad he didn’t see her in the hall; he isn’t sure what he’d even say or how he’d explain what he’s doing there. 

            Sid doesn’t have a real bed.  He has a full-sized mattress laying directly on the floor, the same dingy green carpet he’s had for nineteen years.  Andy remembers the small twin Sid had when he was a kid; he’d been to Sid’s house before when he was in pre-k and Sid was in first.  Sid’s much larger now, fully grown, and Andy wonders if this was something Sid had to buy for himself or if his father paid for it.  Considering there isn’t a bed frame or a headboard, Andy figures it was something Sid had to buy and it makes him sad.

            Sid grabs a laptop and a joint from the top of his dresser and flops down on his mattress.  He has an ashtray on the floor next to him and he places the joint on the edge.  He has the laptop on his stomach and opens it up. Andy stands there, watching him, unsure of what to do.  He toes off his shoes and takes off his socks and sits down between Sid and the wall. 

            “Where’s your dad?” Andy asks.

            “I’m not sure.  His car is gone so probably out somewhere.  Don’t worry, he won’t catch you here.”

            “I wasn’t worried about that.  I was just curious.”

            Sid presses play on his laptop and Andy has to lay down to see the screen on Sid’s stomach.  He waits for Sid to light up the joint, but he doesn’t.  Andy feels the pull of sleep somewhere around episode three and his eyes start to shut and not open.  He wakes with a start when the room goes completely dark; Sid put his computer away.

            “Sorry,” mumbles Andy, yawning. 

            Sid gets up.  Andy can see his outline.  He watches as Sid undoes his jeans and takes off his t-shirt.  He lays back down, almost completely naked except for a pair of boxers, and gets under his blankets.  “I thought you were asleep.  It’s really fucking late.”

            Andy sits up.  “Yeah, okay. I know.  Thanks for letting me come over.”

            Sid groans and Andy is sure he’s rolling his eyes.  He grabs Andy’s wrist and pulls him back down.  “You can stay.  For fuck’s sake, you read way too much into everything I say.  It’s late and I’ve been up since four a.m so I’m gonna sleep.  I’m sure you told your mom you weren’t coming home, so just chill and go to bed.”

            “Oh.”  Andy isn’t sure what to say.  He can’t go home or else his mom will know he was lying, but how can he stay here?  In Sid’s room where there’s marijuana on the floor?  He decides to shed his jeans so he can at least attempt to sleep more comfortably – if sleep is something he’s even able to do. 

            Sid is on his side, facing Andy, his eyes shut tight.  Andy gets under the blankets.  He nervously smooths a piece of Sid’s hair behind his ear.  Sid grabs his hand and stills it.  Andy’s heart thumps between his ears.

            “You don’t want to do this,” says Sid, his eyes still closed.

            Andy swallows hard.  “Why not?”

            “Because.”  Sid’s voice sounds thick and tired, deeper than it had all evening.  He opens his eyes.  “Why would you?  I smoke pot and work for tri-county sanitation.  You’re – look at you.  Jesus, Andy, what the fuck are you thinking?”

            “I don’t care where you work,” says Andy, confused.  “And I don’t care about the guy from earlier and I don’t care about the pot.”  He turns over onto his back.  “Maybe this really was a bad idea.  Shit. I thought maybe you liked me.  The way you looked at me tonight.”  Andy is embarrassed.  He wants to leave, but Sid is right about his mom not expecting him home, and he doesn’t have a good backup plan.  Maybe he could sneak over to Georgia’s; she’s the only one who might indulge him without too many questions. 

            “If you’re wanting to question your sexuality, I’m not a good choice.  I don’t think you’re one for one-night stands anyway.”

            “Is that all you are?  One-night stands?” asks Andy, his eyes on the dark ceiling.  “Or is that just what you think you’re good for?”

            Sid doesn’t answer.  Andy thinks he may have fallen asleep when he hears, “I do like you.”

            Andy loses all reason.  He leans over and presses his hand against Sid’s cheek and finds Sid’s mouth.  When he kisses him, Sid is still for a moment, but he reaches for Andy’s hand, holds it, and then reaches over and pushes his fingers through Andy’s hair.  He pulls Andy down closer, kissing him hard, opening up and licking into Andy’s mouth. Andy lets out a noise, something between a moan and a whimper, and feels a surge through his body.  This feeling is new, he didn’t experience this when he was with McKenna Rockfield.  It’s almost like electricity pooling in groin, along with a tingling in his toes, and he feels lightheaded, like nothing can ever be as intense as this. He lets Sid pull his shirt up over his head.

            Then he’s flipped over on his back.  Sid hovers above him then kisses his neck, his shoulder.  He has his hands all over Sid’s back and hips, touching his skin.  He fingers the black lines of Sid’s tattoo, grasping his bicep as Sid nips at his neck.

            “Ouch,” flinches Andy. 

            Sid pulls away and looks at him, a wicked expression on his face.  Andy feels something new and he’s unsure what it is.

            “Do that again,” he says, feeling bold.

            Sid laughs and shakes his head.  “You’re fragile still.”  He leans down.  “Maybe next time,” he says against Andy’s mouth. 

            They kiss some more, a little less heated, but still enthusiastically.  Andy wants to touch him, wants to see what else they can do, but Sid slows and pulls away.

            “You’ve never done this before, have you?”

            “What?”  Andy is mortified.  He’s clearly not had as much experience as Sid, but he didn’t think he came across like he had no idea what he was doing.

            “I mean, with another guy.  You kiss fine, you look like you’re going to cry.”

            “No I don’t.”

            Sid smirks.  “Calm down. I’m pushing your buttons on purpose.”

            “I kiss better than fine,” says Andy defiantly.

            Sid softens.  “You’re right.  You’re really hot.”  He kisses him again.  “All your freckles.”

            Andy swallows his words.

            “But I’m going to make us stop.  I don’t know if you’re ready for the full experience.  You might change your mind in the morning.  New day and all that.”

            “Right,” says Andy, understanding but disagreeing.

            “And I’m really fucking tired.”

            “Right,” Andy says again. 

            “Stop being in your head so much,” Sid mumbles.  “All you’re gonna do is stress yourself out.”  He lays down, pressed against Andy, an arm around him. He kisses his shoulder lazily until he falls asleep, his breath evening out. 

***

            The next morning Sid wakes first.  He’s at his desk with his laptop, smoking the joint he had forgotten about the night before.  He’s put on a t-shirt and Andy can see the screen from the mattress well enough to recognize the job discussion boards for their town.  He’d gone on them himself earlier this summer trying to find something, but he ended up just cutting grass for the neighbors instead.  Cash job and kept all his freedom.  Now he feels a little foolish; he was in a room with someone holding down two jobs to take care of his sister and he himself was too lazy to find even one thing.

            Andy sits up and Sid turns to look at him. 

            “Morning.”

            Andy nods.  He wishes he had a toothbrush.  “Hey.”

            Sid smirks and turns back to his laptop.

            Andy gets up and walks over.  “Are you looking for another job?”

            “I’m always looking for another job.  I need to make more money.  I like what I’m doing now though.”  He shrugs. “We’ll see.  How’re you feeling this morning?”

            “Fine.”

            “That’s not what I meant.”

            Andy runs a hand through his hair.  Sid swivels around to look at him.  The smirk is still on his face.  He sits back in the chair, clearly waiting for Andy’s reply.

            “I feel like … I want … to keep doing whatever it is we’re doing,” he answers simply.

            “Hmmm,” says Sid. 

            “This is new territory for me,” he says honestly, “so I don’t know if the rules are different.  Or maybe the rules are different because it’s _you_ and you seem to be in your own world.”

            “Hmmm,” hums Sid again.  “I dunno, I don’t really have any rules.”

            “Of course not,” Andy says dryly.

            “I do what I want, what feels good.  When I stop liking it, I stop doing it.”

            “Uh huh.  And me?”

            “I like it.  For now.”

            Andy is beginning to realize he may never get a real answer from Sid.  He sighs. 

            Sid reaches for his hands and tugs him down.  Andy lets himself fall into Sid’s lap and he stops thinking about toothpaste when Sid starts to kiss him again.

            A knock on the door breaks them apart and Sid’s bedroom door opens.  Andy jumps up as a familiar face walks in. 

            “Hannah,” says Sid.

            Hannah is one year younger than Andy.  She has short brown hair that she often wears in a ponytail.  Today she still has on pajamas and her cell phone is in her hand.  She looks tired, but she’s always been quiet and unassuming in school.  Andy know she’s on the girls’ basketball team, but he’s unsure if she really has any friends.  He never sees her with anyone in the cafeteria and he thinks she rides the bus home in the afternoons.

            She stands in the doorway, staring at Andy.  Then he watches as the lightbulb goes off in her head and her eyes widen. He scrambles to stand up and he grabs his t-shirt from off the floor. He throws it over his head.

            “ _Andy_?” she cries.  “I literally could make a list of a hundred people to walk in on in Sid’s room and you wouldn’t make that cut.”

            “Hey,” he says.

            “What’s up?” asks Sid. 

            “I, uh.”  Hannah looks at her brother.  “Andy Davis? Really?”

            Sid shrugs.  “It’s a long story.”

            “I’m sure.” 

            “I was in the middle of something.  What’s up?”

            Hannah glances at Andy again, then back at Sid.  “George called.  He picked up Dad again.  He’s sleeping it off now.  We need to go over there and get him.”

            “Shit, really?”

            “Yeah.”

            “Fine, all right.  Get dressed and I’ll meet you downstairs.”

            Hannah looks at Andy one more time before shutting the door on her way out. Sid gets up and grabs his jeans off the floor. 

            “Who’s George?” Andy asks.

            Sid shakes his head.  “Doesn’t matter.  He sometimes gets Dad from the bar when he’s shitfaced and can’t drive home.  It happens a few times a month.”

            “Oh. I thought you said your dad was sick?”

            Sid zips his jeans and does the button.  He grabs a black t-shirt out of his dresser and pulls it over his head. “He’s an alcoholic.  He _is_ sick.”

            Andy isn’t sure what to say and Sid doesn’t look as though he wants to talk. He finishes getting dressed himself and walks out with Sid and follows him down the stairs.  Hannah is waiting by the front door.  Sid walks out and gets in the Jeep.  Hannah stops Andy before he gets to the porch. 

            “I won’t tell anyone at school,” she says.  “I mean, I don’t know if it’s a secret, but I’m assuming.”

            “Thanks,” says Andy.  “Sid is – I don’t know.  I’m not sure if he even likes me all that much.  He’s kind of hard to figure out.”

            “If it makes you feel any better, you’re the first guy he’s ever brought home.” Hannah smiles shyly.  “Anyway, I gotta go.  If I don’t see you soon, I’ll at least see you at school in two weeks.”

            “Yeah,” says Andy.  “Bye.”

            Hannah closes and locks the front door before going to get in the Jeep. Andy wishes he had time to say goodbye to Sid, but he goes to his car instead.  Sid has the window down and has an arm hanging out, a cigarette between his fingers.  He looks at Andy. 

            “Call me later,” he says.

            Andy freezes.  “Call you?”

            Sid shrugs and shoves a pair of sunglasses on.  He takes a camo-colored hat from off his dash and jams it on his head to hide his messy hair.  “Yeah. Like after dinner or something. If you want.  I’ll answer if I’m not busy.  Figured you were the talking kind of guy.”

            “Um, yeah.  Yes.”

            Sid puts the cigarette in his mouth and puts the Jeep in reverse.  He backs the car out of the driveway and takes off down the street without looking back.

***

            Andy calls him around eight and ends up hanging up after it rings six times without an answer.  He feels foolish and wonders if Sid is messing with him.  When his phone rings twenty minutes later, he waits until the third ring so he won’t see too eager.  They don’t talk about much and Sid seems slightly distracted, but finally he says, “Sorry, I’m working on this commission piece for the bike shop. Listen, why don’t you come by tomorrow night?  I’ll show you what I’m working on.  I think you’ll like seeing the airbrushing.”

            “Yeah?  I’d like that.  I don’t want to get you in trouble though if you’re supposed to be working.”

            “No, the art stuff I do after hours.  No one will care.”

            “Yeah, okay.  Cool.  Thanks.”

            The next day Andy goes to the movies with Georgia and they eat too much popcorn and M&Ms.  He lets her pick and she pays for the tickets and he gets the snacks. Afterwards, they hang out in the parking lot, Andy counting down the minutes until he can go to Down Shift, and Georgia counting down the minutes before youth group.

            “Are we going to address the hickey on your neck?” she asks.

            “Yikes, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.”

            “Please.  How could anyone _not_ notice?”

            “My mom hasn’t.”

            “Who gave it to you?” 

            “I can’t tell you.”

            “Why not!”

            “It’s no one you know, I promise.”

            “Yeah, right,” says Georgia, clearly unconvinced. “It’s not McKenna again is it?”

            “No way.”

            “Who’s that other girl Cliff Harlow always brings around?  Oh, yeah, Gracelyn?”

            Andy shakes his head.  “You’re never going to guess.”

            “Will you tell me one day?”

            “I promise I’ll tell you before anyone else, okay?”

            Georgia nods.  “I’m gonna hold you to that.”

            “I need to go.  Thanks for hanging out with me.”

            They hug and Andy leaves.  He drives to the bike shop and feels nervous.  He wishes Sid would be more forthcoming with his thoughts so Andy wouldn’t feel so on edge, but he’s pretty sure if he pushes him too hard, Sid will bolt.  He pulls into the parking lot and parks next to his father’s truck.  When he goes inside, Sid isn’t behind the counter like he normally is.  Doug is there instead, talking to Jim. 

            “Hey, man,” Doug says as Andy approaches.  “Is that a hickey?”

            Andy’s hand snaps to his neck and he rubs his skin. “Jesus, I need to find something to cover this up.  I didn’t think it was so noticeable.”

            “Who gave it to you?”

            Andy feels his face heat.  “Some girl from school,” he says.  “Went out with her Saturday night.  You know how it goes.”

            Doug laughs and nods.  “Good for you.”  To Jim he says, “Your kid played poker with us last week.  He lost.  Sid made him clean the shop.”

            Jim eyes Andy as though evaluating him.  Andy shoves his hands in his jeans pockets.

            “Glad to see you’re back,” he says coolly.

            “Vegas was last minute.  Didn’t know we were going until we were gone.  You come by to see me?”

            “Um, no, actually.”

            “Sid’s in the back,” says Doug.  “He told me to keep an eye out for you in case you came by.”

            “What you seeing that guy for?” Jim asks.

            “He said he’d show me some of the stuff he’s working on.”

            “Why?  Are you friends?”

            Andy feels himself begin to panic.  “Yes.  I think so. We’ve hung out.”

            “You like him?”

            Andy isn’t sure what to say so he shrugs.

            “Sid’s stuff is pretty sweet,” Doug acknowledges. “He’s is legit at what he does.  You can go back if you want.  We were about to close up here anyway.”

            “What are you doing tomorrow?” Jim asks Andy before he goes behind the counter.

            “Um, nothing, I guess.  I’m supposed to mow some lawns.”

            “Let’s go to dinner.  I get off at six.  We can meet at the Rib Shack.”

            “Oh, okay, sure.”  Andy grins.  “That’d be nice.”

            Jim isn’t smiling, but he nods and tells him to have a good night.

***

            Sid is in the back working on a bike.  He has the piece he’s airbrushing on a table that’s covered in plastic.  He looks like he’s concentrating so Andy doesn’t want to disturb him.  He watches from a few feet away, admiring Sid’s work. He’s taken off his work shirt and it hangs over the back of his wheeled chair, and his undershirt has a few stains of color.  He has his camo hat on backwards, presumably to keep his hair out of his face.  On the table behind him is an ashtray and his pack of cigarettes.  One is lit and slowly burning away on the edge of the tray.

            Sid pauses and looks up.  He wheels backwards to the other table and puts his brush down and takes a drag from his cigarette. 

            “Hey,” he says.  “Your dad’s back.”

            “I know.  I saw him up front.”

            Sid motions for Andy to come over.  “Come look.”

            Andy walks closer.  He looks down at the table.  Sid wheels up next to him.

            “I get kind of tired of painting skulls and flames all day, but that’s all most of these assholes want.  This will be the gas tank.”  The picture he’s done is silver skulls in green and purple flames. He moves it to the other end of the table.  He grabs a piece of white plastic from off the floor.  “Want to try?”

            “Me?  Really?”

            Sid shrugs.  “Why not?  It can be something else I teach you.”

            “Yeah, okay.”

            Sid shows him how to press down on the brush, how to move his hand fluidly to draw out what he wants.  He tells him to draw a house, since that’s what Andy likes to do, and he tries, but it looks like a kindergartener did it.  They try again, with a little more success, but all it does is further his admiration of the art Sid manages to create.  Sid finds Andy another chair so he can sit and watch. They talk as Sid paints, which ends up mostly being Andy babbling while Sid feeds him questions.  Sid seems fascinated by Andy’s answers, perhaps because their lives and backgrounds are so different.  He asks him about growing up without his dad, about doing well in school, about playing basketball on the high school team.  He asks him what about houses he likes and why he wants to go to school for that.

            “Can I ask you something?” asks Andy.

            “Sure.”

            “When did you and Hannah get so close?  I remember when I lived next door you hated each other.”

            “Yeah, I was a terror to her.  Broke her toys and shit.  But I guess when I was a senior, couple years ago.  I knew I needed to at least graduate and I was so far behind.  She helped me with some of my homework actually.  She’s real smart.”

            “Yeah, we had AP French together last year.”

            “Oh.  Well, see? Smart.  But yeah, we got this letter on the door that our electricity was gonna get cut off, so I picked up some extra shifts so I could pay it.  She helped me with one of my English essays because I was working so much, and I don’t know.  I guess we just stopped fighting.”

            “Is that when you got the extra job?”

            “No, that was later when she needed a new pair of shoes for basketball and our dad had been fired from another job.  I’d been paying half the bills at that house since I was sixteen, but paying for school supplies and groceries and shit is expensive.  I tried to get on at the sanitation full time, but they didn’t need anyone but a couple days a week, so I ran into your dad one day and he suggested this place.”

            “Where’d you just run into my dad at?  He’s been pretty anonymous from my life for twelve years.”

            Sid looks contemplative for a moment before answering, “We buy our weed from the same guy. We had the same pick up one night.”

            “Awesome,” says Andy dryly. 

            “Yeah, well, it’ll lessen when school starts. The weed, I mean.  Hannah only works summers at the pool as a lifeguard. And I need to pay to get this filled in.”  He lifts his arm up that has the tattoo outline on it.  “Lot less extra money when Hannah stops bringing some in.  Our dad doesn’t contribute anything anymore.”

            Sid gets up and starts cleaning.  Andy asks if he can help, but Sid says no. 

            “I hung out with my friend Georgia today,” Andy says.  “She noticed the hickey.  So did Doug.”

            Sid folds up the plastic that had been covering the table.  He raises his eyebrows.  “Yeah? I’ll have to be more strategic next time.”

            “There will be a next time?”

            “Isn’t that why you’re here?”

            “No,” Andy says quickly.  “I mean, yes, but not the only reason.”

            Sid’s cleaned up the table and all his supplies. Andy isn’t sure what’s next, so he stands, assuming they’re going to leave.  Sid cocks his head to the side, studying him. 

            “What other reason?”

            Andy blinks.  “You ask like you don’t know the answer.”

            “Maybe I know it but I want to hear you say it anyway.”

            “I like you.”

            Sid steps closer.  “What else?”

            Andy’s heart quickens.  “Um.  I like it when you teach me things.”

            “Yeah?  I can teach you all kinds of new things.”

            “Yes, please.”

            Sid steps close enough to touch Andy.  He runs his fingers through Andy’s hair and looks at him with that sly smile he has.  Andy presses forward so their lips touch.  Sid presses back just as hard.  Andy has no idea what Sid is going to teach him, but he’s ready to learn.  Sid grabs his hips and pushes him back against the table. Andy breaks away to sit on top of it, his legs dangling off the edge.  Sid steps between them and Andy hooks his ankles around the backs of Sid’s knees. He holds him to him, grinding up against him slowly but intentionally.

            “Shit, Andy,” Sid murmurs.  He kisses Andy’s neck and pulls up his shirt.  It gets tossed somewhere across the shop.  He kisses Andy’s collarbone, licks at his nipples, and then undoes his belt.  Andy pulls away to watch him.  He loosens the grip his feet have on Sid’s legs and Sid takes a step back.  “You look like you’re ready to be fucked.”

            Andy’s eyes instinctually widen.  That’s definitely not something he’s ready for, but he doesn’t want to stop whatever else might be happening right now.

            “Calm down.  That can wait.”  Sid grabs Andy’s shoes and pulls them off. 

            Andy grabs at him, wanting to feel their mouths together again.  Sid’s fingers are on the buttons of his jeans and Andy feels his fingers go under the waistband at his back, pushing everything down.  Sid uses one hand to lift Andy’s hips, and the other to slide his jeans down.  Andy kicks them off and tries to reach for Sid’s shirt, but Sid grabs his hands.  He places both Andy’s hands in one of his and holds them.  Andy tries to break free, but he can’t.  Sid bites his shoulder and Andy whimpers.

            “But I want—”

            “Maybe later,” says Sid.  He lets go of Andy’s hands and grabs the chair Andy was sitting on and wheels it over.  He sits down on it backwards, the back of the chair at his chest.  Andy is already mostly hard and now Sid is at eye-level. Andy watches him, breath catching in his throat, anticipating something but not sure what.  Sid strokes him, studies him.  Andy leans back on his elbows, watching. 

            Sid looks at Andy like he’s an artform, he studies the curve of his stomach and the sharp corners of his hips, all while stroking him gently.  When Sid takes him into his mouth, Andy lets out a breath he hasn’t realized he has been holding.  It feels warm and wet and soft and Sid’s beard rubs against the inside of his thighs. Everything about it is intense, from the pressure of Sid’s mouth, to the continued pumping of his hand.  Andy tries to relax, but this is nothing like when he was with McKenna Rockfield.  Then Sid pulls him forward so that he’s on the very edge of the table and pushes his thighs apart.  Andy has no idea what Sid is about to do, but then Sid wets one of his fingers and suddenly Andy knows _exactly_ what is about to happen.

            He tenses for a moment because why should he trust Sid?  Everything about him is new territory, and everything about what they’re doing right now is Andy’s second first time.  But he knows Sid isn’t going to hurt him, so he leans back on his elbows again, and when Sid touches him inside, right across his prostate, everything begins to buzz. It’s a build-up like he’s never felt before, not with McKenna, not the awkward hand job he got during a fumble at homecoming junior year, not even when he’s alone in his room or shower. It’s deep and powerful and clearly Sid knows exactly what he’s doing.  He looks down at Sid only to find him looking amused, maybe even a little wicked.

            Andy tries to warn him before he comes, but Sid rides it through and Andy comes in his mouth.  Normally it’s a pulsating feeling when he orgasms, but this time it’s continuous as though being pulled from his body, and when it’s over he almost feels weak.  He lets his head fall back on the table and he catches his breath. 

            “Are you going to teach me to do that?” Andy jokes.

            “One day,” says Sid.  He’s watching Andy, his chin resting on the top of the chair back.

            Andy sits up and is suddenly very aware that he’s only wearing socks.  “What about you?”

            “I’m fine.”

            “What?  Really?”

            “Sure, why not?”

            “I just – when have you been known to be nice? I figured this would be tit for tat.”

            Sid looks offended.  “Why?  I can’t be nice?  I can do things without needing something in return.”

            “I didn’t mean—”

            “Men know how to give good head because they know how it should feel.”  Sid shrugs. “Consider it a gift, I don’t do it often.”

            “Why not?”

            Sid shrugs again.  “Dunno.  But don’t think it was all one-sided.  You were like clay in my hands.  I could’ve gotten you to agree to anything so long as I kept making you feel good.”

            Andy gets down off the table and grabs his jeans and boxers.  He pulls them on and then bends down so he’s face to face with Sid.  He smooths his hair and smiles. 

            “It was amazing.”       

            “I know.”  Sid looks slightly taken aback at Andy’s touch.  Perhaps he’s not used to anyone being so gentle with him.

            “You’re so cocky.  I want to do it to you, too.”

            “Yeah?  You dream about my dick in your mouth?”

            He sounds rough, it sounds like a challenge. Andy is ready to accept.

            “Yeah,” Andy admits.  “Ever since I saw you again.  I thought about kissing you.  Then that night we played poker, I thought about all the other possibilities.”

            “Not here,” says Sid. 

            “Your house, then.”

            “You gonna sleep over again?”

            Andy shrugs.  “If you want.  Only two more weeks before school and then I won’t be able to – at least not on school nights.”

            “Right, you’re still jailbait.”

            “I’m not—”

            “Get dressed,” said Sid.  “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

***

            Andy doesn’t end up spending the night, only because his mom reminds him that he promised to take Molly to gymnastics tomorrow morning and she has to be there at seven in the city.  They hang out in Sid’s room for a little bit, fooling around again, this time Andy trying to reciprocate.  Sid is a surprisingly good teacher, and has Andy feeling more relaxed than nervous, even though his anxiety is still a bit high.

            He is almost dead on his feet the next morning driving Molly to practice, but he grabs some coffee on the way back home.  It doesn’t help much and he naps until almost two. He wakes to texts from his mom, Georgia, and Cliff Harlow.  His mom thanks him for helping out with Molly, Georgia wants to know if he can hang out later, and Cliff invites him to a back-to-school party at his lake house. Andy takes a shower and meets up with Georgia at a coffeehouse near school.  He tells her about reconnecting with his father.  She seems shocked, but sympathetic, so when he leaves early to go meet his dad for dinner, she hugs him goodbye and thanks him for trusting her.

            Andy drives to the Rib Shack.  His dad claims to eat dinner there at least twice a week, and Andy goes in to find him.

            Jim is already at a booth, a beer in front of him. Andy sits across from him, pleased that his father wanted to see him.

            “Hey,” Andy says, “how was work?”

            “Fine.  What’d you do today?”

            “I had to take Molly to gymnastics.  Mom will pick her up after work.  Then I met up with a friend of mine for a while.”

            Jim nods.  “I see.”

            The waitress comes by and Andy asks for a coke. They order food, but Andy isn’t too hungry after splitting a piece of cake with Georgia at the coffeehouse, so he orders a plate of cheese fries.

            “School starts in less than two weeks,” says Andy. “My last year.”

            “I know.  Any big plans?”

            “For senior year?  No.  I assume I’ll play basketball again.  Technically I have to try out, but I’m sure I’ll make the team.”

            “That’s it?”

            Andy isn’t sure what his dad means.  “Should there be something else?”

            “You haven’t applied to schools yet have you?”

            “No, too soon.”

            “But you’re gonna go, right?”

            Andy nods.  “That’s the plan.  I’m not sure where, though.”

            “You should.  I didn’t go.  I had to learn all I know on my own.  Now I got no money to show for it.  It’s a hard life living paycheck to paycheck.  You know, I was never good enough for your mom.”

            “Oh,” says Andy.  “I think she must’ve thought so.  She was with you for ten years, right?”

            Jim takes a long drink from his beer.  “Yes,” he says, setting the empty bottle at the end of the table.  “I didn’t ever give her much.  Two kids, but any asshole can produce sperm.  She would have been so much happier if she hadn’t gone around with me for so long.”

            “She would’ve been happier if you hadn’t left,” says Andy.  He’s surprised at how blunt that comes out, but it’s the truth, and as much as he’s enjoyed getting to know his father, he’s definitely not ready to forget everything that’s happened over the last twelve years.

            “I doubt it.  She didn’t leave this shithole town because of me.”

            “It’s not that bad,” defends Andy.  “I like it.  It can’t be that small.  You hid from me for over a decade.”

            “Stop obsessing over the past.  And I’ve left and come back to this place.  Tried to get a job in Columbus, but it didn’t work out. Here is better.  Cheaper to live.  You aren’t going to school here, are you?  They only got community college.”

            “There’s online schools, but I think it’ll be better for me if I go to a real school.”

            “Where’s your girlfriend going next year?  The one that gave you that hickey.”

            Andy’s hand flies to his neck.  Suddenly his father’s question seems more calculating than innocent. 

            “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

            “Ladies man, I take it?  That’s all right.  I was, too.”

            Andy shakes his head.  “No.  I mean. I don’t know.”

            “You know … I didn’t know Sid was gay when I talked to the boss about hiring him on.  He had done some airbrushing shit with some artist at some car show I went to. They were doing pictures at a booth. The other guy was a big deal in the car world.  Making all these crazy pictures on fenders and shit.  The shop didn’t even do custom stuff until Sid got there.  He started at the register and answering phones.  Then started doing a few custom things here and there, now that’s where most of his paycheck comes from.”

            “I think that’s cool.  He showed me last night how he does it.”

            “He give you that thing on your neck?”  There doesn’t seem to be a natural segue to the question so Andy is caught off guard.

            “What?  Why?”

            “Sid ain’t good for you.  He reminds me of me when I was that young.  I smoked a lot of pot, drank whenever I was bored.  Went through jobs like it was a hobby.  He’s the kind of guy who is never gonna leave this town.  You don’t wanna end up getting stuck here like your mom did.  Twenty years old and pregnant with you.  Twenty-five and pregnant with Molly.  Because of me she’s got that shitty job.  She didn’t get to go to college and do what she wanted to do.”

            “She went to night school.  Got her nursing degree.”

            “She wanted to be a doctor.  She had to settle because she couldn’t do medical school.”

            “There’s nothing wrong with being a nurse,” Andy defends.  “Her job isn’t shitty.  I mean, the hospital isn’t great but she works a lot so we can have nice things.”

            “Doesn’t matter.  She ain’t living her dream.”

            “Well, first of all, I can’t get pregnant so I think we’re safe there,” Andy tries to joke.

            “You can still get stuck with someone who is bad for you.”

            “You don’t know anything, though.  Sid is just a friend.  And he works two jobs so he can take care of his little sister.”

            “He has two jobs to buy weed.”

            “Maybe.  But he takes care of his sister first.  His dad doesn’t work.  He’s paying for all the bills.  That’s more responsibility than you’ve ever shown.  Sid loves his family, you abandoned yours.”

            Jim nods.  “Yep, you’re right.  When it got too hard, I bailed.  When do you think it’ll get too hard for Sid?  You think he’s even going to tell you when he leaves?  He’ll be too chickenshit and he’ll be halfway to Nebraska before anyone figures out he’s left.”

            “No way.  And you can’t sit there and try to parent my hypothetical romantic interests. You lost that right when you were too chickenshit to tell anyone you were leaving.”

            Andy gets up from the table and walks out the door. He doesn’t look back.

***

            Andy drives home and goes to his room.  He’s upset, but he doesn’t want his mom to see him like this.  Before bed, she stands in the doorway to talk to him about school supplies, and back to school shopping.  Andy tells her he only needs some new jeans, and she says she’ll give him the money if he promises to buy new clothes.

            He’s feeling raw and sad and even though he’s a little tired, he can’t sleep.  He hasn’t heard from Sid all day, not that he expected to, but it would be nice to talk to him.  Andy wants these feelings to go away.  Sid has made it clear he is not the type of guy who is anyone’s boyfriend, and therefore off limits for any sort of emotional comfort.

            Whatever, Andy thinks, and texts him anyway.  _Dinner with my father was horrible.  He told me I shouldn’t be friends with you._

            Sid texts back only a moment later.  _He’s rite. U shouldn’t._

            _Bullshit. Why?_

            _Idk. Sounded good._

            Andy laughs.  He sinks further down into his blankets.    _I’m trying to sleep but can’t.  When can we hang out again?_

_Not 2nite, I have 2 wake up in 6 hrs 4 work._

_I forgot._

            Andy waits.  Sid doesn’t text him back and the raw feeling eats at his insides.  He falls asleep around two, only to wake up around four by his phone going off.  _We can hang out 2nite after my shift @ the bike shop. Come over around 7._   Andy reads it, still half-asleep, and feels foolish. Sid hadn’t ignored him, he probably fell asleep since he has such an early job. 

            The next two weeks before school starts, Andy finds himself hanging out with Sid more days than not.  Sometimes they venture out of the house, to crappy restaurants with questionable health scores where they won’t run into any of Andy or Sid’s friends.  It seems to be an unspoken thing between them that this is a secret, but Andy can’t decide if he’s okay with that or not.  Sid’s made it clear he isn’t in the closet – after all everyone at his job seems to know about him – so he shouldn’t have any issues being seen around town with Andy.  Andy, on the other hand, isn’t sure what label to apply to himself, but he knows his friends would question his relationship with Sid and he doesn’t have any answers.  He wants to ask Sid the questions, but he’s afraid of what he might hear in response, and he doesn’t want to scare Sid off.  He tries to see his father again and they have an awkward lunch at Arby’s.  Jim only wants to talk about Andy’s future, and Andy isn’t even ready to think about college applications.  He wants a father to come to his basketball games and come over to cook on the grill, not discuss academic choices.  That’s not the relationship he’s looking for.

            The last Saturday night of summer, Andy goes to Cliff Harlow’s party.  The house is about an hour away on Cleveland Lake, which Andy never understood since it’s nowhere near Cleveland.  His friends Georgia and Brian want to drive up with him, but Andy says he has to take his own car so he can be sure to be home in the morning.  It’s only half a lie.  He wants to drive alone in case he has a reason to get back home.  Since Sundays are Sid’s only day off each week, he has been eager to hang out on Saturday nights.  This time, however, he blows Andy off, saying he has other plans, but Andy wants to keep the option to see him open.  He turns the music up louder on the ride up, wanting to drown out those thoughts because he knows how pathetic he would sound if he told anyone his feelings.  

            Everyone at the party drinks, but Andy’s red solo cup is full of ice water.  He remembers the last time he drank at one of these parties, and the memories aren’t particularly fond.  He finds Georgia and they hang out with Brian and their friend Michelle, another cheerleader. They talk about the start of school and which teachers they hope to get for certain classes.

            “What’s _she_ doing here?” Michelle asks, motioning to someone behind Andy.

            He turns around, but the only girl he sees is Hannah Phillips.  He looks back at Michelle.  “Do you mean Hannah?”

            “Yeah, she’s so weird.”

            “Why?”

            Michelle rolls her eyes.  “She went out with Jordan Keller last year and he said she was a total mental case.  Had a breakdown in front of him one day, crying and shit.”

            “Don’t you ever cry?”

            “Not like he described.”

            “I think she has a really shitty home life,” says Andy.  “Maybe she was having a bad day.”

            “She’s weird.  I wonder who invited her.”

            “She’s on varsity,” Georgia says, as though that answers it.  She’s probably right, though; this party is full of jocks.  Mostly seniors, but a scattering of juniors as well.  “She probably came with some of the girls from the team.  She isn’t talking to anyone.”

            “That’s because she’s really fucked up,” says Michelle. “I’m telling you.”

            “We should invite her over,” Andy says.  “She looks sad.”

            “Don’t!” Michelle cries.  “Then everyone will think _we’re_ fucked up.”

            Andy rolls his eyes.  “Fine,” he says, and walks away.  He approaches Hannah who is standing off to the side, leaning against the wall, a cup in her hand.  “Hey,” he says.  She looks at him for a moment like she can’t remember who he is.  Then she smiles slightly.

            “Hey.”

            “You look miserable.”

            Hannah gives a small laugh and nods.  “I came with a couple girls from my team—”

            “I figured.”

            “—but this isn’t my scene.  I don’t even know where they went, and I don’t drink.”  She holds up the red cup.  “This is water.”

            “Same.”  Andy holds his cup up as well.  “So why’d you come?”

            “Didn’t want to be home alone, I guess. Sometimes it gets old.”

            “Where’s Sid?”  Andy doesn’t know what makes him ask.  He doesn’t mean for Hannah to get in the middle of anything. 

            “I’m not sure.”  She doesn’t meet Andy’s eye.  “I think he went over to a friend’s house.”

            “Oh.”

            “I mean, I _know_ he went over to a friend’s house.  Some guy named Adam.”

            Andy doesn’t know what to say. 

            “Anyway, now I’m waiting for Courtney and Taylor to tell me they’re ready to go home, but I think they’re getting drunk.  Sid will worry if I don’t come home tonight. I don’t want to make him drive all the way here for me.”

            “I’ll take you home,” says Andy. 

            “Oh, no, I didn’t mean—”

            “No, it’s okay.  I promise.  I came by myself anyway.  And my friends are being assholes.”

            Hannah looks skeptical.  “Sid isn’t home.”

            “It doesn’t matter.  He’s allowed to have friends.”

            “Yeah, okay.  Let’s go.”

            Andy lets her lead the way out of the house. He’s sure Michelle and Brian are losing their minds while Georgia sits in quiet contemplation.  He doesn’t turn around or say goodbye. 

            The drive back towards town is mostly quiet. Hannah thanks him.

            “It’s really not a big deal,” Andy says.

            “I don’t really have any friends,” she says, looking out the passenger window.  “I stopped trying a while back.  I thought if I went to the party that Courtney and Taylor would want to hang out with me, but they didn’t.”  She sighs. “I’m just trying to get through school so I can hopefully get a scholarship somewhere and get out of this place.”

            “Because of your dad?” Andy asks carefully.

            “Yeah.  Things really haven’t been the same since my mom left.  Bailed on us.  No note or anything, just packed all her things.”

            “My dad left when I was five and didn’t say anything.  He sometimes sends money to my mom.  That’s how I tracked him down.  There was a return address on one of the envelopes he sent her and it was the bike shop, so I went and visited him.”

            “That’s how you met Sid again?”

            “Yeah.”

            “He likes you, you know.”

            “Sid?”

            Hannah laughs.  “Yeah.  He’s asked me some questions about you.  Like what I know about you and stuff.  I said I only know a little bit from French class and when our practices overlap.”

            Andy tries not to smile.  “What’d he ask?”

            “He asked if I knew you and then if you’d changed any.  He remembers you as this quiet kid in geometry who always knew the answers to the questions but never raised his hand.”

            “Huh,” says Andy considering this, “that does sound about right.”

            “I told him you and Georgia used to always pair up in French and come up with these really funny stories when we had to do conversations.  And he asked if you had a lot of friends.”

            “And?”

            Hannah sniggers.  “And I told him you did but that I didn’t really think you liked most of them except maybe Georgia.  Most of the other guys on the basketball team are assholes.”

            “Yeah,” Andy agrees.

            “I know Sid’s been around some, but  he’s changed a lot in the last few years.  He used to get into all these fights at school, but our parents never really did anything for us, and it bothered him more than me when our mom left.  He remembers them when they liked us.  He can remember going camping and to the movies and stuff.  I only remember them being indifferent towards us.”  Hannah pauses.  “I feel really guilty that he works so hard for me.  He got really mad when I wanted to get a job last year.  He wants me to focus on school.”

            “Aren’t you top in your class?”

            Hannah shrugs.  “Yeah, I think so.  Pretty high.”

            “You do better than me.  He wants you to do something with your life, he said.”

            “Whatever I do,  I hope I can help repay him somehow.  He’s been trying to help raise me for, like, the last couple years.  Mom left and then Dad’s drinking got so bad he couldn’t hold down a job.”  Hannah sighs. “Our family is really screwed up.”

            “It’s okay.  Can I ask you something?”

            “Sure.”

            “Jordan Keller—”

            “Ugh,” Hannah groans.  “Listen.  Jordan Keller is a supreme asshole.  My dad got arrested for a DUI and I cried one night about it and he freaked out.  Then he broke up with me in a note in the middle of class and then told everyone I had a breakdown during math.”  Hannah shakes her head.  “I thought he liked me, but I think he just thought I was cute.  I’m glad I never slept with him.”

            Hannah changes the station on the car radio.

            “I heard that rumor, too,” says Andy.  “If I hear it again, I’ll set the record straight.”

            “I appreciate that.  But speaking of straight …”

            Andy laughs.  “You want to know if I’m gay?”

            “Yes.”

            “I don’t know.  I dated McKenna Rockfield last year and it was kind of boring, but _she’s_  kind of boring.  I didn’t suddenly stopped being attracted to girls when I met Sid again.  So … I don’t know.  That’s the best I got.”

            “He asked me if I thought you were gay.  He said he can’t tell.  He’s usually pretty good at being able to tell.”

            “So,” Andy says, “you think Sid really likes me?”

            Hannah laughs.  “Yeah, definitely, but he pretends he’s way too cool for boyfriends, so you can’t tell him I said anything.”

            Andy nods.  “Yeah, of course.  I won’t say anything.”

***

            School begins and Andy finds himself more and more annoyed with his friends.  His classes are a mixture of general ed and AP.  He opts for a free period instead of another elective, which means school ends right at two o’clock instead of three-thirty.  For the first week of school he leaves campus and drives around town, enjoying the extra break of freedom.  Sid works until six every night, which puts a damper on his social life with him.  He misses seeing him, but Sid doesn’t seem overly concerned about the break in contact until the second week of school.

            _When do U get out of school 2day?_

            The text comes through at lunchtime and Andy reads it while eating a peanut butter sandwich and sitting at a table with Georgia, Michelle, Brian, and Cliff.  He blushes and knows his friends are staring at him when their conversation lulls.

            _2pm, I don’t have a class for seventh period._

            “Who’re you texting?” Brian asks.   

            Andy shrugs.  “No one.”  His phone vibrates in his hand.  _Cool.  I’m coming over 2 ur house._   Andy tries to keep his face neutral, but he already knows he’s terrible at poker.

            “Bullshit,” says Cliff.  “You got a new girlfriend?”

            “Nope.”  Andy shoves the phone in his pocket.

            “You’re sleeping with someone.”

            “Doesn’t mean I have a new girlfriend.”

            “Ah!” cries Brian.  “But you are sleeping with someone!  Who is it?”

            “It’s probably crazy Hannah Phillips,” says Michelle. “He the party early with her.”

            “Is that where you disappeared to?” asks Cliff. “Really?  That girl had a breakdown in the middle of Spanish or Econ or something last year.  Jordan Keller told me.”

            “Sounds like Jordan Keller has a big mouth,” Andy says. “And you don’t know her.  She’s really sweet.”

            “ _Sweet_?” Brian laughs.  “I guess if you’re getting laid it doesn’t matter if she’s crazy.”

            Andy gathers up the rest of his lunch and stands up. “You’re an idiot.”  He throws his food away, but on his way out the door, he spots Hannah sitting alone at the end of one of the tables near the door. She’s reading a textbook and eating carrot sticks.  He hesitates and then goes and sits down with her.  He wonders if he was as obnoxious as his friends last year, before Sid.  Or if suddenly he’s become a different person since finding both his father and Sid.  Hannah looks surprised to see him, but also grateful, and she closes her textbook and they talk.

            After school, Andy drives straight to his house. Sid’s Jeep is in his driveway and he gets out as soon as Andy drives up. 

            “What’re you doing here?” Andy asks. 

            “It’s Wednesday, right?”

            “Yeah?  So?”

            Sid grins wickedly.  “You said your mom and Molly don’t get home until real late on Wednesdays because of some gymnastics crap, right?”

            “Yeah.”

            “And I agreed to take a Saturday afternoon shift at the shop in order to have today off.”

            “Okay.”

            Sid rolls his eyes.  “You are so slow sometimes.  I came over to see you.  Will you let me in so I can start taking your clothes off?”

            “I have homework,” says Andy, grabbing his backpack out of his car.  He walks up to his front door and unlocks it with his key.  Sid follows.  “Maybe if you let me study then you can be my reward for keeping my grades up.”

            Sid shakes his head.  “No way.  I haven’t seen you in four days.”

            “Whose fault is that?”

            “Yours for being jailbait.  Show me your room.”

            “I need a snack first.”

            Sid groans.  “You’re killing me.”

            Andy ends up taking Sid up to his room, the last door at the end of the hallway.  It’s small, with a twin bed, a desk, and a dresser.  It’s much cleaner than Sid’s room, and smells like a mixture of pinesol and laundry detergent.  It’s bright; Andy has the blinds up and all the sunlight filters through the window.  Sid looks around, taking note of the posters on the walls and the pins on the bulletin board.

            “This room screams Andrew Davis.”

            “Thanks.  I think.”

            “It’s so clean.”

            Andy shrugs.  “I’m a clean person, I guess.”

            “I don’t think I thanked you for driving my sister home a couple weeks ago.”

            “It wasn’t a big deal.”

            “I blew you off to hang out with some other friends.  You should’ve been mad but you were nice to Hannah instead.”

            “It wasn’t her fault.”

            Sid seems to consider this.  He nods.  “I guess so. Still. Not many people are nice to her.”

            “I’ve noticed.”

            “Why are you?”

            “I don’t know.  I’m a nice person.  I like her. And, uh.”  Andy scratches the back of his head.  “I mean, she seems to be your favorite person, so I thought I should probably get to know her better.”

            Sid looks taken aback.  “You want to get to know my little sister for me?”

            “I mean, if you don’t want me to—”

            “You got any plans today?” interrupts Sid.

            “Just homework,” Andy answers.

            “Cool.”  Sid cross the room.  “It can wait til later, right?”  He grabs the bottom of Andy’s shirt and lifts it over his head.  “I want to take my time today.”

            Andy lets out a breath.  “Oh?”

            “Usually I’m rushed and it’s dark.  But it’s the afternoon and I want to watch you come, see what kind of faces you make.”

            “Jesus.”

            “I think you like it rough” – Andy does and Sid knows this – “but I think torturing you at a leisurely pace sounds pretty good.  What do you think?”

            Andy nods.  “Whatever you want,” he whispers.

            “That’s right.”

            He lets Sid undress him and he watches as Sid quickly makes a pile out of his own clothes.  Then he’s on his back, Sid hovering on top of him, lightly biting at his hips, one knee in between his thighs.  He tries to touch Sid, but Sid grabs his hands and holds them.  Andy struggles, but Sid’s grip is tight, and the struggling only makes him harder.  He isn’t sure why he likes this so much, but Sid knows he does and does it almost every time they’re together.  Sid instructs Andy on what to do, how to touch him, how to lick him, how to get him to the edge but stop before he goes over.  He’s touching Andy everywhere with his hands and lips.  He turns Andy over on his stomach, kisses the backs of Andy’s knees and all the way up to the back of his neck.

            “Do you want to?” he breathes heavily into Andy’s ear.

            Andy tenses.  Sid must have sensed the shift in energy because he pulls away and rests his weight on his side.  He brushes the hair away from Andy’s eyes. 

            “Whoa, what just happened here?”

            Andy shakes his head.

            “Tell me.”

            “I, uh … I don’t know.”

            Sid nods.  “Yeah, all right.”  He pulls away, but Andy grabs him.

            “Wait.  Don’t stop with the other stuff.  But _that_ scares me.”

            “It’s fine.”  Sid sighs.  “We don’t have to.”

            “I don’t want to make you mad.”

            This time Sid does pull out of Andy’s grasp. “Why do you think I’m such an asshole? Jesus.”

            Andy groans.  Sid gets up and grabs his boxers.

            “I _asked_ to swap shifts you know.  Just so I could see you.”

            Andy jumps up and goes to Sid.  He’s overly aware that he’s naked, still half-hard, and his window is wide open.  “Wait,” he says, “you have to understand something.”

            “What?” Sid snaps.

            “You’ve done all this before, I haven’t.  I’m still adjusting.  I love it, I daydream about it all the time, but doesn’t mean some of it isn’t scary.”

            “You’re scared of me?”

            “Not of _you_ , but, yeah, the sex part is scary.  I think, like, I understand what some of the girls I know mean now.  How guys don’t understand how invasive sex is for them.  They’re allowing someone else inside their bodies.  And that’s what I think.  It’s a lot to ask and, I guess, I’m … nervous.”  Andy shrugs uselessly, feeling embarrassed and very young.

            “Huh,” says Sid, clearly considering this.  “Sure.  I can see that, I guess.  But I’ve never gotten mad at you for saying no.”

            “I know.”

            “So then what the fuck, Andy?”

            “I really fucking like you, okay?  And I’m worried that if I don’t give it up soon you’ll go find someone else, and honestly, that would kind of break my heart.”

            Sid runs a hand through his hair.  “Why do you have to say shit like that?”

            Andy shrugs. 

            Sid groans but grabs Andy and kisses him, holds him to his chest. 

            “I’m not sleeping with anyone else,” Sid says.

            “Me neither.  No one else.”

            Sid kisses Andy’s neck.  “That doesn’t mean I’m your boyfriend, because I’m not, and I won’t ever be.”

            “I know,” Andy says.

            “But that _does_ mean you have to stop thinking I’m such an asshole who’ll get mad if you don’t put out.  I’ll wait. Only because your freckles are really fucking hot.”

            Andy lets Sid steer him back towards the bed. They fool around and try something new, mouths on each other at the same time.  Andy comes first and Sid wants to kiss him so he can taste himself on his lips. Andy’s hands move easily over Sid who is still slick from Andy’s spit.  Afterwards, they lay in Andy’s bed, catching their breath.  Andy gets up to do his homework and Sid dozes on top of the sheets. Andy wakes him around six and they decide to go to dinner.  They pick up Hannah on the way and all go to get pizza.  While they eat Sid seems happier than Andy has seen him in a while, and when he asks, Sid shrugs and says around a mouthful of pizza, “My two favorite people are here.”

***

            Andy begins to feel very distant from his old friends.  He wonders what he had in common with them other than sports.  He continues to sit with Hannah at lunch and enjoys getting to know her.  Andy tries not to bring up Sid so that she doesn’t think he’s there because they’re siblings, although sometimes she’ll talk about their father.  Her emotions seem to hang on by a thin thread whenever their parents are brought up, so Andy tries to be sympathetic and not mention it. He genuinely likes her, though, and is glad to have a new friend.  He feels more at ease with her than he did with the other guys he use to hang out with. He wonders if it’s because he doesn’t have any secrets from her. 

            They get through September without much incident. Andy has A’s in most of his classes, but struggles to keep a B in British Lit, mostly because of all the essays.  He spends most Wednesdays after school with Sid, although often Sid ends up napping through half the afternoon.  He has his early shift at the sanitation department where he wakes up at four a.m., and he gets off with just enough time to shower at home before coming to see Andy, so he takes advantage of the time Andy does homework to catch up on sleep.  Sometimes when Andy’s caught up on schoolwork, Sid will nap, using Andy as a pillow, and Andy will read a book on his Kindle.  Saturdays are worse than Wednesdays because Sid works in the mornings for sanitation and then goes to the bike shop in the afternoon.  Luckily he’s off on Sundays so he often powers through Saturday nights.  Andy usually drags himself home in the early hours of the morning, quietly so that his mom doesn’t wake up, but sometimes Sid lets him stay and they’ll wake up together in the morning.

            October brings sign-ups for basketball tryouts and also the football homecoming game.  Andy has no plans to go, even though he’s gone the previous three years. He signs up for basketball, though, and starts running around the neighborhood every day to start rebuilding his stamina.  He invites Hannah to come with him in the afternoons after school.  He does his homework in the library and waits for her to get done with seventh period, then drives them to his house where they change, run, and go back to finish homework.  On Wednesdays she takes the bus home and while she’s never asked any questions, Andy is positive she knows the reason. 

            Hannah has stayed for dinner a few times, which frustrates Andy in a way he isn’t expecting.  Sid should be the one sitting across from him, scooping green beans out of a bowl, instead of his little sister, but Sid will never come even though Andy has never asked.  Usually Andy drops Hannah off at home, but sometimes Sid will come pick her up after his shift, even though he doesn’t get out of his Jeep.  He usually only comes when Andy’s mom is still at work or at the gym with Molly.  Andy will go outside the days he comes and they’ll talk for a bit before Sid drives Hannah home.  It’s nice to have those extra glimpses of Sid throughout the week and Andy wonders if Sid feels the same.

            A week before the homecoming dance, Brian and Cliff approach Andy in the hall on Andy’s way to the library before seventh period.  Georgia is with them, although she doesn’t look amused.

            “Hey, man, haven’t seen you around lately,” says Brian.

            “I’m right here,” says Andy.

            “What’d we do?” asks Cliff. 

            “Nothing.”

            “You dating that Phillips girl?” Brian asks.

            Andy stops walking.  “We’re friends.  Who cares?”

            “I’m just asking questions.”

            “Jordan Keller told me she was a freak in bed.”

            “I wouldn’t know,” says Andy, “and I’m pretty sure Jordan is a blatant liar and still a virgin so I’d probably find a better source.”

            “Are you going to the dance with her?” asks Georgia shyly.

            “I’m not going at all.”  Andy starts walking again and he turns the corner.  They have to pass the nurse’s office in order to get to the library.  He stops dead when he sees Hannah walk out into the hallway followed by her brother. Sid wears his typical work uniform: short-sleeve button-up gray shirt with _Down Shift_ embroidered on it, dark pants, and black boots.  He’s started shading in his sleeve tattoo so half of it is colored and contrasts against the dark colors of his work clothes.  He looks so tough and Andy wonders what his old friends think about Sid now. He knows they can see Sid’s thumb rings and earrings and tattoos; he clearly looks like he doesn’t belong.   

            Sid looks up and notices Andy in the hall and almost trips over his feet.

            “Shit,” says Andy, low enough he doesn’t think anyone hears him. 

            “I remember that loser,” said Cliff.  “I think he flunked out of the math class we had together.”

            “He didn’t flunk anything,” Andy snaps.  He continues down the hall until he gets to Sid and Hannah. “Are you okay?”

            “I don’t feel well.  The nurse said I had a fever.  Sid had to come pick me up.”

            “I’m just gonna drop her at home and then go back to work.”

            “I could’ve done it.  I have a free period right now anyway.”

            Sid shrugs.  “I’m the only one who can sign her out of school.  It’s okay.”  He looks at the books in Andy’s arms.  “Jesus, I forgot how young you are.”

            “Don’t do that,” warns Andy.  “You always get weird about me being in school, but we were in the same math class my sophomore year.  Don’t forget that.”

            “Yeah … but look at you.”  He pokes at Andy’s textbooks.

            “You can flirt with him later,” Hannah says. She sniffles.  “Sorry, Andy, we’ll have to train another day.”

            “It’s okay,” Andy reassures.  “Feel better.”

            Sid hesitates for a moment.

            “You okay?”

            “Can you do me a favor?” Sid asks.

            “Anything,” says Andy eagerly.

            “If Hannah misses school tomorrow, can you collect her homework assignments and bring them to her?  I won’t be able to get off work in time to get back up here.”

            Andy nods.  “Yeah of course!”  He smiles at Hannah.  “I’ll drop them off right after school.”  He watches them leave and turns back around.  Since Hannah is gone, there’s no reason to stay at school.  Something about being asked to do Sid – well, Hannah – a favor makes him feel really good.

            “What the fuck was that?” Brian asks.  Andy forgot they were all still standing behind him.

            “What do you mean?”

            “Are you best friends with that whole family?”

            “What’s your problem with them?” Andy asks.

            Brian shrugs.  “Nothing.  Just didn’t think you’d ditch us for a bunch of losers.”

            “No, you have it backwards.  I ditched a bunch of losers for some new friends.”

            Georgia flinches as though the words physically hit her.  Andy immediately feels bad; she had always been nice and never joined in when their other friends were idiots, but she’s never stood up for anyone either.

            “Look, you don’t know anything about them, and if you did, you’d probably feel like a complete jackass right about now.  I’m not going to keep doing this with you guys. Either shut up about Hannah and her brother, or leave me alone.”

            Andy walks away.   He cannot wait for senior year to be over.  None of it is going the way it’s supposed to.  At the beginning of summer, he thought senior year would be the best.  He thought he’d apply to college with his friends, spend time with his father, and play basketball.  He didn’t know he’d end up losing his entire circle of friends and have a non-boyfriend that he can’t tell anyone about.  Not to mention his father still hasn’t talked to him since their last dinner almost two months ago.

            He goes to his locker to get his backpack and keys before going to the student parking lot and leaving.

***

            Hannah is sick for three days.  Andy takes her homework to her each afternoon.  Sid misses their regular Wednesday afternoon, citing he a piece he has to finish for work.  Andy believes him, but not seeing him doesn’t help improve his mood. At home, his mother says she’s worried because he’s suddenly more irritable, but Andy blames it all on his classes.  She doesn’t seem to accept it and makes him promise to do a family dinner on Saturday night since they haven’t seen much of each other.

            On Friday, Andy goes to the gym to practice with some of his teammates from the year before.  They practice drills and ready themselves for try-outs even though they’re all confident they’ll make the team again.  He grabs his stuff, and Hannah’s homework, and goes to his car still in his gym clothes.  One of his teammates, Tommy, stops him along the way, asking if he wants to go get a burger with some of the other guys.

            “Oh, wow, thanks, but uh … I kind of have to go.”

            “See your girlfriend?”

            Andy flushes.  “No.”

            Tommy smirks.  “Whatever you say.  It’s cool. Maybe next time.  But the rest of us go to the weight room before school. Coach opens it at seven every morning for us.  You should come, too.  Don’t be such a stranger, okay?”

            Andy drives to Sid’s, windows down, and is surprised to see the Jeep in the driveway but when he looks at the clock on his dash, he sees it’s almost seven.  He grabs Hannah’s books and rings the doorbell.  Sid answers and has that wicked smile when he sees Andy.  He leans against the doorframe.

            “Hey.”

            “I brought Hannah’s stuff.”

            Sid glanced at the books under Andy’s arm. “Why’re you all sweaty?”

            “Basketball.”

            “Your arms aren’t as skinny.”

            “Er, well, I’ve practiced a bunch the last couple weeks, I guess.”

            “Come on in.”  Sid moves out of the way so Andy can walk inside.  “Want a beer?  I was going to order pizza if you want to stay.”

            “Isn’t your dad home?”  Andy’s never been over during the daylight when Sid’s dad is still there.

            “He’s sleeping it off.  Come on.”

            Andy has only ever gone up the stairs and into Sid’s room.  He hasn’t ventured into other rooms of the house before.  He follows Sid into the kitchen.  It’s dark, like the rest of the house, and old.  One of the drawers is missing a handle and the fridge looks as though it’s older than Sid.  Andy puts the books down on the kitchen table; it wobbles.

            Sid pops the top of the beer bottle off and hands it to Andy.  He orders the pizza while washing the dishes in the sink.  Andy watches him.  Sid puts the phone down and turns.

            “What?”

            “You’d make someone a really good housewife,” Andy jokes. 

            Sid seems to consider this and shakes his head. “Someone has to do it.”

            “I was kidding.”

            Sid turns off the water and braces himself against the sink.  “You know, this isn’t the life I wanted.  I wanted to leave after high school.  I didn’t want to be raising my sister or taking care of this shitty house.”

            Andy stands there, feeling a little dumb.  He has it so easy at home.  His mom buys all the groceries and he and Molly split the chores.  Everything is always clean and the cabinets full.  Even though money is often tight, he has new clothes when he needs them, new school supplies.  His mom even picked up an extra shift at work to pay for a new hundred-dollar calculator when he needed a new one for pre-calculus last year.  Sid stands there, someone with none of those luxuries, who has to work two jobs to pay for a house he hates and take care of a sister who, while he loves, should never have had to been his responsibility in the first place. 

            “I know,” Andy says. 

            “Never mind.”  Sid straightens up and takes his beer. 

            “Where would you be if you didn’t have to stay here?”

            “Not sure.  Just not here.”  Sid turns around and leans against the counter.  “I don’t think I’d like the city.  I don’t really like people.  When I was really little my dad and me would camp in the backyard.  He promised me we’d go camping for real one day and he always had these brochures of state parks and shit.  Almost doesn’t seem like a real memory now, but I always kind of wanted to live in the woods like that.  Seems peaceful.  Nothing about this town is peaceful.”

            Andy puts his beer down next to Sid’s and goes to him, kisses him.  “Jesus, Sid.”

            “What?”

            “Nothing.”  He kisses him again.  “It’s easy to forget you’re only nineteen when you say things like that.”

            “Almost twenty,” says Hannah.

            Andy pulls away from Sid and turns around.  “Sorry.”

            “I’ve seen worse,” she says.

            When Andy glances at Sid, he’s giving his sister a death stare.

            “But he’ll be twenty next weekend.”

            “Really?” Andy asks Sid.

            “Yeah, Saturday.”

            “Wait, your birthday is on Halloween?”

            “Fitting, isn’t it?” jokes Hannah. 

            “You sound like you’re feeling better,” says Andy.

            “Yeah, thanks.  Although calculus is kicking my ass, especially after missing three classes.”

            “I can help you.  I’m taking calculus this year, too.  What are you working on?”

            “You don’t have to help me now,” says Hannah. “I mean, I interrupted—”

            “Go on,” says Sid.  “I don’t mind.”

            Andy sits with Hannah at the table and helps her catch up with some of her work.  He has to remind himself about some of the formulas because his class is two chapters ahead of hers, but Hannah is smart and catches back on with only a little guidance.  Sid finishes the dishes and watches them work.  When the pizza comes, they clear the table and sit and eat.  Hannah clears up after and offers to do the dishes, and Sid seizes the opportunity to take Andy upstairs.  Andy tries to object since he’s still gross from playing basketball earlier, but Sid ignores it. 

            “Can we do something for your birthday next week?” Andy asks as Sid pulls his shirt over his head.

            “No.”

            “Why not?”

            “I’m too old for birthday parties.”

            “Yeah, but—”

            “We didn’t have them growing up like you did, why start now?  But you can come over and blow me if you want.  Happy birthday to me.”

            “We can go do something.”

            “Do what?  There’s nothing interesting to do in this stupid town.  Besides, don’t you have to go trick or treating or something?”

            “I’m not a kid anymore.”

            “Whatever.”  Sid pushes him against the closed bedroom door.  “Why do you care so much?”

            “Because I—” Andy stops.  “I don’t know,” he says instead. 

            “You think too much,” says Sid.

            Andy groans and rolls his eyes.  There’s a crash from downstairs and Sid stills.  Andy looks at him and has never seen that expression on Sid’s face before.  It’s a mixture of embarrassment and fear. 

            “Stay here.  Don’t move.”

            Andy has no intention of listening and follows him. He stops at the middle of the stairs, listening.  Hannah is right behind him.

            “What’s happening?” Andy asks.

            “Dad.”

            “What’s that mean?”

            “No telling.”

            There’s another crash from the kitchen and Andy goes down the stairs despite Hannah telling him to stop.  She’s right behind him, though.  In the kitchen, Sid and Hannah’s dad is rummaging through the cabinets. Forks and spoons are on the ground, and the freezer is open, contents spilled out onto the laminate floor.  Sid is trying to get him to calm down. 

            “Just tell me what you’re looking for.”

            “My car keys.”

            “Dad.  You don’t need your keys.  You’re drunk.”

            Andy watches as Sid blocks his dad from getting to the door, telling him he can’t leave if he’s drunk, that he needs to go sleep it off.  His dad takes the half-drunk beer that Sid had left on the counter and drinks it.  He goes back to the cabinets and starts pulling cups and plates down, still searching.  Sid takes his dad’s hands and holds them.

            “You need to calm down,” says Sid.  His voice is gentle, which Andy finds jarring.  Sid is calm, handling all of this like a professional.  “You can’t have your keys, I think they’re lost, okay?”

            His dad tries to get out of his grip, but Sid holds tight. 

            “Hey, if you want, we can smoke.  I have some stuff rolled.  We’ll sit right here.”

            Andy watches as Sid takes an old jar off the top shelf of one of the cabinets.  His dad sits on the floor, his back against the cabinets.  Sid sits next to him, and lights a joint.  He inhales and passes it to his dad.

            “I want to stop.  This is my last time drinking.”

            “I know,” says Sid.  “Last time.”

            Andy backs out of the kitchen.  He looks at Hannah.  “Is this what it’s always like?”

            Hannah nods.  “Sid’s got it down to a science.  He used to pour out all of Dad’s beer and alcohol, but it didn’t really matter, he’ll just get more.  I worry sometimes about Sid drinking, but he seems to be okay.  I dunno how he managed to figure out that if they smoke together Dad’ll calm down and he can get him to chill out.  At least for a little while.”

            “That’s intense.”

            “Yeah.  Sid doesn’t bring guys back here because he doesn’t want anyone to see how fucked up things are.”

            “Is that why you don’t have a lot of friends at school?”

            “It’s easier that way.  I’m surprised it’s taken this long for you to see this. Listen, if I were you, I’d probably go.”

            “I can’t just leave.”

            “He’s not going to want to know you saw any of that. I’ll tell him you said goodbye.”

            Andy isn’t sure, but he decides to listen to Hannah; she seems earnest.  He gets his shirt and shoes from Sid’s room and drives home, still second-guessing himself.

***

            Andy texts Sid and doesn’t hear from him for the rest of the weekend.  At school, Hannah tells him Sid is fine but Andy nicely asks her not to get in the middle of them.  He invites her to train in the mornings with him and some of the other guys in the weight room, and they go running after school.  On Wednesday, Andy leaves school during seventh and heads home, not expecting to see Sid at his house, but when he pulls up, the familiar Jeep is in his driveway.  Sid is sitting on Andy’s front porch smoking a cigarette.

            “I didn’t think I’d see you today,” Andy says. He unlocks his front door, but Sid doesn’t follow him inside.  “Come on.”

            “I asked you to stay in my room.”

            “I know.”  Andy drops his backpack on the floor just inside the door.  “I’m sorry.”

            “It’s really fucked up, I know.  My dad, I mean.  Not a lot of people know anything about it, but it’s rough.  He’s usually harmless but sometimes he gets into a rage. And I don’t need to hear about how I’m not making him any better by keeping alcohol in the house or getting high with him.”

            “I wasn’t going to say anything like that. Actually, I was going to say that I was impressed.  I think you underestimate yourself.  Will you come inside?”

            “No.”

            “Why not?

            “Because I think—”

            “If you’re here to break up with me, you can’t because you’re not my boyfriend.”

            Sid frowns.

            “And even if you were I’d tell you I don’t care about your dad.  I mean, I do of course, because it’s shitty for you, but it’s not going to scare me away. If you were wondering.”

            Sid looks away.

            “Come on.”

            “I can’t.  I’ll see you around.”

            Andy rolls his eyes, but doesn’t stop Sid from leaving.  He does his homework and makes himself dinner.  He busies himself by cleaning up after himself and trying to watch tv.  His mind keeps wandering back to Sid.  He sends him a text that says, _Can we hang out on Saturday?  I have a new place we can go I think you’ll like._   Sid responds almost immediately with a _No_ , but Andy is determined.  He writes back, _4 o’clock? Please?_   When Sid doesn’t respond, Andy writes again, _I’m pretending you didn’t fake-break-up with me, which was a half-assed attempt btw._ The next text from Sid is another one word answer: _Fine_.

***

            Basketball tryouts are on Thursday and Andy knows he does well.  The homecoming game is on Friday and the dance is on Saturday, Halloween, but finally Andy has a good reason to miss it.  Hannah asks him if he’s going to go and he tells her he has plans with her brother. She seems surprised, but also pleased.

            On Saturday morning, Andy’s mom makes breakfast for everyone.  He comes downstairs and offers to help. 

            “I was wondering if I could borrow the van,” he asks.  “For tonight.”

            “What’s tonight?”

            “Homecoming dance.  A bunch of people are going to stay up at Cliff’s lake house after and I was going to offer to drive.”

            “For the whole night?”

            “Yes,” says Andy.

            His mom looks skeptical, but she agrees. Andy thanks her by cleaning up the kitchen for her and she asks what’s gotten into him.  Andy exchanges keys with his mom later that afternoon and she gives him a lecture on condoms and safe sex and pregnancy.  Andy rolls his eyes, but she insists he at least listen to her.

            “No one is going to get pregnant tonight,” he says truthfully, “at least not by me, so don’t worry.”

            She and Molly leave around two so Molly can go to the gym for free practice.  As soon as they’re gone, Andy packs up the car and then showers and changes.  He runs an errand before going to Sid’s right at four. Sid walks outside before Andy can even turn off the car.  He goes to the driver’s side window and bends down to look at Andy.

            “Hey.”

            “Happy birthday.”

            “Thanks.  But I can’t go anywhere with you.”

            “Give me a really good reason.”

            Sid shrugs. 

            “See?  Come on, I already told my mom I wouldn’t be back until tomorrow, and I have a really good idea planned.”

            “Overnight?  Andy.”

            “What?  You like when I sleep over.  You like spooning with me – although I’m sure you’d die if anyone found out.  Besides, I have to give you your birthday blow job, right?”

            Sid rolls his eyes.  “Fine, but I haven’t eaten lunch so you better have plans for food.”

            “Go get a bag.”

            Andy waits, a smile on his face, while Sid goes back inside.  He comes back out a few minutes later and Andy drives away from the house.

***

            They go through the Burger King drive-thru before leaving town, and then it’s almost two hours before Andy stops at a small gas station in the middle of nowhere.  He tells Sid to pick out whatever junk food he wants because it’ll have to sustain them for the rest of the night and tomorrow.  He grabs a six-pack of water.  Sid grabs a twelve-pack of beer.  The guy checking them out takes one look at Sid before ringing through the beer without carding him.  Andy wonders if this is how Sid lives his life, by looking intimidating enough to get whatever he wants.  He has on a black t-shirt and jeans, but the camo hat is backwards, hiding his ever-growing mop of dark hair.  Andy wonders how young he really looks next to Sid, who definitely looks older than twenty. 

            Back in the car, Sid asks, “So where are we going?”

            “It’s really close to here.  It’s kind of in the middle of nowhere.  I used to come up here when I was in cub scouts.”

            Andy drives towards a small river on the outskirts of a campground.  He parks the car in the dirt near the water.  There’s trees all around the stream, except for this one clearing where Andy stops the van.  “I don’t have a tent so it’s not real camping, but when it gets dark you can see all the stars because it’s so far away from the city and towns – and that was my favorite part of camping when I was a kid.  The stars, I mean.  I wanted to show you because I thought you’d like it, too.”

            Sid gets out of the car and immediately lights a cigarette.  Andy follows and walks around the van until he’s next to him.

            “Sorry if you don’t like it.  The van has a DVD player so I brought a bunch of movies in case we got bored …”

            “And we’re sleeping in your mom’s van?”

            “Yeah, but I put all the seats down and brought a bunch of blankets and pillows.  Shouldn’t be bad.”

            “And you did this because of what I said the other day?”

            Andy nods.  “A little.  We always play darts or make out in my room.  This would be different and I wanted to do something with you for your birthday.”

            Sid looks confused.

            “Haven’t you been with anyone who’s done something nice for you?”

            “No, I’ve never had a boyfriend before – I don’t know how any of this is supposed to work.”

            “I’m not your boyfriend, remember?”

            Sid rolls his eyes.  “You know what I mean.”

            “No, I really don’t.”

            Sid finishes his cigarette and flicks it away. He sighs and cups Andy’s cheek and leans in to kiss him.  “Whatever,” he says against Andy’s lips. 

            The sun starts to set only a little bit later, around seven-thirty.  Andy grabs some beers and hands them to Sid to open.  They put the box on the roof of the car just above the windshield.  He gets his sweatshirt out of his bag and throws it on.  They sit on the hood of the van and lean back against the windshield, their hips and legs pressed against each other.  They watch the sky turn colors, from blue to pink to red to black.  Andy finishes his beer and has Sid open another one.  He’s ready to feel a buzz and hoping to gain some liquid confidence. 

            “So where do you want to go when it’s time for you to leave town?” Sid asks.

            “You mean for college?”

            “No, after that.  What’s your big life plan?”

            “I don’t know.  Anywhere.  I haven’t thought about it too much.  I don’t even have an idea for college yet.  Wherever I get a scholarship, I guess.  But my grades are only okay and I’m decent at basketball, so I won’t have my pick of schools.  Probably somewhere small.”

            Sid doesn’t say anything. 

            “When Hannah leaves for school, will you leave, too?”

            “Don’t know,” says Sid.  “Depends on the circumstances I guess.”

            “Do you ever want to go to school?”

            Sid laughs.  “I barely got out of high school.”

            “I mean, art school or something.”

            Sid shakes his head.  “No.”

            “You ever want to get married or have kids?”

            “No.  What the fuck kind of questions are these?”

            “I thought – well, you take such good care of Hannah and your dad.  Seems like you’d be good at it.”

            Sid is quiet again.  Then he says, “You seem to forget I’m gay.”

            “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.” 

            “Are you?”

            “Am I what?”

            Sid reaches into his pocket and takes out his cigarettes.  He lights one and takes a couple drags before answering.  “Gay.”

            “I don’t think I’m all the way over on the Kinsey scale, but I definitely like everything I do with you far more than anything I did in the past with girls.”

            “What’s the Kinsey scale?”

            “Uh, a sliding scale of sexuality, one extreme to the other.”

            “Ah.  Then I’m the other extreme.  Girls hold no interest to me.”

            “And you always knew?”

            “Yes.”

            Andy finds this fascinating.  “You don’t look gay.”

            “Thanks,” says Sid sarcastically.  “Neither do you.”

            “I just mean – I can’t believe you’ve never been with a girl.  Didn’t girls ask you out in high school?”

            “They still do when they come into the shop.”

            “Do you tell them you’re gay when you turn them down?”

            “No, I usually tell them I’m seeing someone.”

            Andy beams.  “Really?”

            “That’s always been my answer, even in high school.”

            “Oh,” says Andy, a little disappointed.  “When’d you first kiss another guy?”

            “Eighth grade.”

            “Jesus.”

            “Why?  When’d you first kiss a girl?”

            “Ninth grade, but only one time.  Then not again until McKenna junior year.  She’s the one I did everything with.  What about you?”

            Sid is silent again.  Andy wonders what he’s thinking about.  Sid finishes his beer and drops the bottle onto the ground next to the van.  He reaches behind them to grab another one.  He opens it with the bottom of his lighter and drinks from it. 

            “This guy named Mitchell Keller.  He was twenty-six and I was sixteen.  I told him I was eighteen, though.  I’m not sure if he cared.  He taught me everything I know.”  Sid doesn’t say it like it’s a happy memory.

            “Where’d you meet someone twenty-six?”

            “Online.”  Sid laughs a little. 

            “You didn’t like him?”

            “No.  I kind of let him use me, I guess.  It wasn’t that long after my mom left and I was looking for any excuse to feel good. I thought he made me feel good, but I always left his place feeling gross.  His little brother was in my history class at school.”  Sid glances at Andy.  “You don’t leave my place feeling like that, right?  Used?”

            “No.”

            Sid looks back up.  The sky is really dark now and the starts are beginning to come out. They can hear crickets and bugs. Andy gets another beer and hands it to Sid to open.  Then, feeling daring, and maybe a little bit drunk, he pushes closer to Sid and takes his free hand in his.  Sid looks down as though unsure what Andy is doing.  He closes his fingers around Andy’s and brings their hands towards him. He kisses the back of Andy’s hand and then holds it against his chest.

            “But after Mitchell,” says Andy, “then what?”

            “I dunno.  Random guys here and there.”

            “But nothing serious.”

            “I don’t think I ever saw any of them more than four or five times.  It’s not like I went and slept with a different guy every week.  There were only some … a few.  Does that bother you?”

            “Sometimes.  Because you’ve probably had better than me.”

            Sid shakes his head and rolls his eyes.  “I haven’t had better.”  He pauses.  “You’re right,” he says, “I do like it here.”

            Andy smiles.  “I knew it.”

            They sit and look at the stars.  Andy points out the constellations he remembers from science class, which aren’t many, but they sit in appreciative silence for a while.

            “Do you want your birthday present?”

            “You bought me something?”

            “Yeah.  Hold on.”

            Andy takes his hand back and jumps off the hood of the car.  He goes into the van and grabs the bag he bought for Sid earlier in the day.  He slides the side door closed and hands the bag to Sid before sitting next to him again.  Sid sits up a little and looks at the bag, almost like he’s scared of it. He opens it and looks inside.  He pulls out a box of condoms and a small bottle of lube. 

            “Jesus, Andy.”

            “Happy Birthday.  Unless you’d rather have a blow job.”

            “Oh, I’m gonna take both.  You sure this is what you want?  Because once it happens, you can’t take it back, and then you’ll always remember this as your first time.”

            “Well, my second first time.”

            “First time with a guy.”

            “Yeah,” says Andy.  “Well, we’ve done everything else.  I’m ready for you.”

            Sid leans over and kisses him.  It’s tender at first, but he pulls away to say, “My fingers opening you up is nothing to compared to getting fucked,” and then kisses him again, more aggressively.

            Andy pulls away.  “Come on, let me make the back comfortable.”

            Sid follows him to the back of the van.  Andy opens up the hatch and climbs inside.  He takes off his shoes and puts them in the front seat.  Sid does the same.  Andy has a stack of blankets, two old comforters, and pillows and they lay them out over the floor.  When Andy sits down, everything underneath him feels soft.  Sid turns and closes the hatch, effectively turning off all the lights inside.  He leans over Andy and presses one of the side lights, which illuminates the van just enough to see.

            Sid’s on his knees, the top of his head almost hitting the roof of the car.  He pulls Andy up so that’s also up on his knees.  Andy lifts his arms and Sid brings his sweatshirt up and over his head. His t-shirt goes along with it. Sid’s hands are on the button of his jeans and soon they’re pushed down his legs.  Andy awkwardly kicks out of them and he knows he’s already half-hard.

            “You should be naked too,” Andy says.

            “Don’t tell me what to do,” Sid says sternly, but he sheds his clothes.  “It’s my birthday, right?  I get to be the boss today.”

            “Like that’s different than any other day.”

            “Mmm,” hums Sid, “you’re feisty tonight.”  He grabs Andy’s hair and pulls, forcing his head to the side.  Andy tries not to grin as Sid’s lips kiss his exposed neck.  He tries to grab hold of Sid, but Sid doesn’t let him.

            “Let me,” Andy whines, “for your birthday.”

            Sid relaxes and lets Andy push him back onto the blankets.  He settles over him, taking his cock in his mouth.  It’s something Andy has perfected over the last few months, loving the feel of it, the power of it.  It’s the only time their dynamic shifts.  Andy likes it a little rough, when Sid holds him down and pins his hands, bites his skin and whispers nasty things in his ear.  But when he’s between Sid’s thighs like this, he’s in charge of how things go and Sid usually doesn’t give him any direction.  He’s slow about it tonight, wanting to make sure he makes Sid hard, but he doesn’t want to make him come. 

            He licks Sid all over and carefully plays with his balls.  Sid grabs his hair and pulls him up until Andy is on top of him, and their lips crash together.  Then Sid flips them and Andy is on his back.  Sid kisses him everywhere, his hands between his legs, stroking and exploring.  Sid grabs an extra pillow and puts it under Andy’s ass, lifting him up just enough.  He grabs the lube and opens it up, putting it all over his fingers.  He pushes Andy’s thighs apart and leans down to kiss the head of his cock as his fingers work inside him.

            “You always like this, don’t you?” he whispers, the words vibrating against Andy’s shaft.

            “Yes.”  Andy groans and his hips buck when Sid’s fingers brush against his prostate. Everything about what Sid is doing is making his nerve-endings buzz.  He’s dreamt about being filled up and now he wants it.

            Andy has no idea how many fingers Sid has in him, but he’s afraid he’s going to come in Sid’s mouth if he doesn’t stop licking him. Sid pulls away and grabs the box of condoms.  He hands it to Andy.

            “Put it on me,” he says. 

            Andy tears into the box and rips open the condom. He sits up so he can properly look at Sid.  He rolls the condom all the way down.  Sid hands him the lube and Andy squeezes it onto his fingers and strokes Sid, spreading the lube all over the condom.  Sid pushes Andy’s knees up and settles between them.  Then something changes in his face, something unexpectedly softer.

            “Don’t let me hurt you,” he says.  “Tell me if it does.”

            Andy nods, but he knows he won’t say anything, and Sid probably knows this too.  And then Sid is pushing inside him.  He feels like the limits of his body are being tested.  He’s stretched and filled and it’s unnatural.  But that’s also what feels good.  Sid moves slowly at first, watching his reactions, and Andy moans. He can’t help it.  It doesn’t hurt as much as he thought, in fact there isn’t any true pain at all.  It’s a little weird, but every time Sid moves back in, he rubs against all Andy’s pleasure points, making everything more intense. 

            Sid leans down and kisses him and Andy grabs him forcefully by the back of the neck.  He bites Sid’s bottom lip and Sid pulls back forcefully.

            “What the fuck?” he says, but he doesn’t sound mad. In fact, he looks surprised.  

            “You need to fuck me harder,” Andy says, his voice low.

            “Harder?  It’s your first—”

            “I know,” says Andy, nipping at Sid’s lip again, “but I trust you, and you feel amazing inside me.  I want more.”  Andy tries to pull Sid back down for another kiss, but Sid grabs Andy’s hand and pushes it over his head.  He does the same to Andy’s other hand until he’s got both wrists above Andy’s head. Andy lays all the way back down and lifts his hips, but with his free hand, Sid stops him.

            “Look at me,” he says to Andy.  “I want you to watch me fuck you.”

            Andy nods and licks his lips.  Sid pumps his hips, pushing in as far as he can before pulling almost all the way back out.  Sid lets go of Andy’s wrists so he can stroke him, but tells him not to move them. Andy watches Sid’s hand on his cock, and he knows he’ll come quickly if Sid doesn’t lay off.  Sid’s hand feel so good and he groans out a, “Don’t stop,” but gasps as he comes all over Sid’s fingers.  Sid kisses him as Andy rides out the last of his orgasm.  Sid’s hips snap back and forth faster until he groans his own orgasm against Andy’s neck.

            They realize there’s nothing they can use to clean up, so Sid grabs his discarded t-shirt and wipes all the come off Andy’s stomach.  He takes off his condom and throws it into the birthday bag.  He lays down next to Andy, stealing one of the pillows Andy laid on during sex.  Andy curls into him and Sid wraps an arm around him.

            “You’ll feel it tomorrow,” Sid says.

            “Maybe, answers Andy.  “That was really intense.  I don’t know how you’ve had so many hook-ups.  I don’t know that I could let some guy I don’t know inside my body like that.”

            “Then don’t,” says Sid.  “I should be the only one who does that.”

            Andy laughs.  For someone who doesn’t want to be in a relationship, Sid certainly says things that indicate otherwise.  He kisses Sid’s shoulder and neck.  Sid turns and Andy kisses his mouth.  They make out, almost lazily, all tongues and spit.  Sid pulls away first and kisses Andy’s temple.  Andy grabs his cell phone out of his jeans pocket and lays back down. 

            “Can I take a picture of us?”

            “What for?”

            “Because I don’t have any pictures of us and I want one.” 

            Sid tries to say no, but Andy settles down next to him and takes it anyway.  It’s apparent he’s not wearing a shirt in the picture, but otherwise it’s not too bad. Sid tells Andy it’s the only picture has seen of himself where he looks reasonably happy.

            “It’s because you are.  Happy Birthday,” Andy says.

            “You keep saying that.”

            “Just want you to be aware, I guess.”

            “I know it’s my birthday.  Usually no one cares enough to remember.  Why do you?”

            “Seriously?  Because I’m in lo—”

            “Don’t say it,” says Sid suddenly, his whole body tense.  “Don’t say it.”

            “Because you don’t feel the same?  Or because you do and it scares you?”

            Sid doesn’t answer right away.  Andy feels him relax.  “You’re the only thing that has ever scared me before,” he says finally. “You want some of this junk food?” Sid sits up and reaches for the pile of food from the gas station.  He opens up a big of Sour Cream and Cheddar chips before Andy can answer.

            They end up putting a movie into the DVD player and eating a good chunk of the food they bought.  They spend the next several hours going back and forth between movies, junk food, and fooling around.  Sid fucks him one more time, this time slower and deeper, which is a sweet torture to Andy.

            When they fall asleep, they’re still naked but they pull the covers up over them.  Andy turns over to sleep on his side, but Sid is behind him and wraps him up in his arms.  Andy sighs and closes his eyes.  He loves this part, the part where he feels safe and maybe even loved, although he knows Sid will never say the words.

***

            Andy wakes the next morning to Sid moving around. He keeps his eyes closed and listens. Sid leaves for a few minutes and comes back smelling like smoke and mints.  He turns the car on, probably to start the heat, and then lays back down. He brushes Andy’s hair out of his face and kisses his shoulder.  He sighs deeply and murmurs, “ _Shit_ ,” against Andy’s skin. 

            “Morning,” says Andy, opening his eyes and turning his head to look at Sid.

            Sid looks almost surprised to see him awake. “Hey.”

            “You got dressed.”     

            “I got cold.  How’re you feeling?”

            “You mean how’s my ass?”

            Sid laughs.  “A little, but … I meant, now you’ve gone all the way over to the dark side. How’s it feel?”

            Andy considers the question.  “Kind of dirty, to have this secret.  Kind of exhilarating.”

            They spend the morning finishing the food they bought, but before cleaning up, Andy climbs into Sid’s lap and they fuck sitting up facing each other.  They drive back to the same gas station from the night before, throw everything away, and Andy fills the tank.  Sid offers to drive, but Andy declines, and they talk about a lot of nothing on the ride home.  Sid hesitates in the driveway before getting out of the car, as though he wants to say something but has forgotten how to speak.  Andy smiles the whole drive home.

            Basketball practice starts the next week, which means he can’t see Sid on Wednesday afternoons anymore.  He uses his free period to knock out as much homework as he can so that if he’s able to see Sid after practice he doesn’t have schoolwork looming over his head.  The boys’ and girls’ teams split the court for practice and since they leave at the same time, Andy offers to drive Hannah home.  Sometimes when he drops her off Sid is home and they can catch up or, if lucky, fool around.  Usually no one is home and Hannah goes in alone.  On Fridays they have a shortened practice, weight-training only, but they pick it up again on Saturdays with a three-hour practice in the mornings.

            Andy gets his game schedule and posts it up on the fridge at home.  They’re every Tuesday and Friday night starting the week before Thanksgiving and ending the second week of February.  His mom tells him she can make all the games except three because of Molly’s gymnastics competitions.  Andy lets her know it’s okay, especially since he has twenty-six games in total for the regular season.  He knows his mom will come to each of them she can.  Sometimes she may arrive late, coming straight from work, but she’s almost always there.

            He grabs a second copy of the schedule and takes it to Down Shift the last Friday before games start.  He wants to give it to his dad.  Hannah asks to come with him, mostly for the company, so they drive to the shop together.

            They’re both still in gym clothes, and Sid is at the register when they walk in.  He looks equally amused and confused when he sees them.

            “What’s up?” he asks.

            “Is my dad working?”

            Sid nods.  “Yeah, sure.”  He looks at his sister.  “And you?”

            “Didn’t want to go home.”

            “Fair enough.  Come on, I’ll show you the back if you want.”  To Andy he says, “I’ll go get your dad.”

            Hannah nods, looking excited and follows Sid to the repair shop.  Andy waits for almost five minutes before his dad comes out front.

            “I wasn’t sure you remembered where I worked,” said Jim.

            “It’s not like you called me or anything.”

            “Figured if you wanted to talk you knew where to find me.”

            Andy sighs.  He hands his dad the game schedule.  “I thought you might want to come to a game.  The ones with stars next to them are the ones Mom won’t be going to in case you’d be afraid of running into her.”

            Jim takes the paper and looks down at it. “All right,” he says.

            “I’m on the varsity team.  Starting point guard.”

            “Yeah, I can see that.  You’re short.”

            “I’m not that short,” Andy defends.  “It doesn’t matter.”

            “Sid going to these things?”

            Andy falters.  “I, uh, I don’t know. I hadn’t asked him.  He’ll come to see Hannah sometimes, but I don’t know if he’ll stay for mine.”

            “So you’re still seeing him, then.”

            It doesn’t sound like a question.

            “We’re friends, yes,” answers Andy.

            “Friends.”

            Andy shrugs.  “I mean, we’re close.  We hang out a lot.  I hang out a lot with Hannah, too.”

            “There’s better guys for you, if that’s what you’re wanting.  Ones who’ll go to college and do something with their lives.”

            “Right now I’m friends with Sid.  If that changes in the future, then maybe I’ll be friends with a someone with a PhD.”

            Jim nods.  He must sense that Andy isn’t interested in this topic of conversation because he says, “I’ll keep hold of this, okay?  I’ll come to one of them.  Watch you play.”

            “Text me when you know and maybe we can go get dinner after or something after.”

            “Sure thing.”

***

            Andy and Hannah go get pizza before going back to her house.  Andy drops her off and goes back home.  He gets up early on Saturday for practice and afterwards, when he’s back home, he tries for a nap, but he wakes when his phone goes off and it’s Sid wanting to go play pool, which usually means also going back to his house to have sex since Saturdays tend to be the only night where they can both take their time.  Andy’s learning just how rough he likes it, and how mcuh sticky and dirty.  Sid seems to get off on being mean, but afterwards Andy needs something sweet to remind him it’s all a game. 

            On Monday, Andy enters the cafeteria to see Georgia sitting with Hannah.  Andy joins them and asks Georgia what’s up.

            “I missed you,” she says.  “And those other guys are assholes.”

            She sits with them for the rest of the week and Andy is glad to have one of his old friends back.  On Friday she wears her cheerleading uniform to school, like all the other cheerleaders, to mark the start of the basketball season.  There’s a pep rally at school and the basketball team gets to end their day early since their first game is an away game.  Andy sits with Hannah and Georgia in the very back of the bus.  Georgia talks about the colleges she’s applying to and some of the classes she wants to take. Hannah talks about how going to nursing school and Andy tells stories of what it was like when his mom went back to nursing school. 

            The girls play first and slaughter the other team. The boys always stay and watch the girls in full support before their game, and when they play second, they don’t do as well as the girls but still scrape by with a win.  Andy is tired but pleased and everyone congratulates him on a job well done.  His mom and Molly drive up to watch and make it before the first quarter is over.  She offers to drive him and his friends back to school so they don’t have to ride the bus, and they agree.  Molly wants to sit in the back with Hannah and they talk about a boy Molly has a crush on at school.  Georgia sits up front with Andy’s mom and talk about colleges.  Andy sits in the middle row and takes out his phone.

            _Howd ur game go?_

            Andy smiles.  _We won._

            _Im sure U did great.  What about Hannah?_

_They won too!  Hannah got three fouls.  She’s fierce._

_Awesome.  Tell her good job. Im going 2 bed.  early morning tmrrw._

Andy looks at his phone and wonders what to say.  He hasn’t seen much of Sid lately now that basketball has started and he doesn’t like it.  _I miss you_ , he types, and presses send.  His heart thumps loudly between his ears as he waits for a response. Often Sid will put his phone on the floor next to his mattress, alarm set, and go to sleep without checking for a response.  Andy envies how easily Sid and turn everything off in his head and fall right to sleep.

            Andy’s mom drops them off at school and Andy drives Hannah home before going home himself.  He showers and shares some popcorn with his little sister downstairs even though it’s almost midnight and he’s tired.  They watch reruns of _90210_ , something he would normally never watch but sometimes it’s nice to spend time with Molly.  The next morning he wakes up to a message from Sid, sent at 4:13am:  _Sometimes I miss u 2._

            There isn’t practice during Thanksgiving break, which is a nice reprieve.  Sid comes over Wednesday afternoon while Andy’s mom is still at work.  Andy talks Molly into going over to a friend’s house by bribing her with twenty bucks and a promise to take her to the mall the following Saturday to spend it.  Andy tells Sid he’s ready for something more intense, so Sid ties his hands to the headboard and sits on Andy’s face.  The choke of Sid’s cock makes Andy hard, but Sid seems to know when he’s had enough and he puts Andy’s knees over his shoulders as he pounds into him.  Andy struggles, wanting to touch him, wanting to touch himself, but all he manages to do is bruise the skin around his wrists and come on his chest just from having Sid inside him.  Afterwards, Sid kisses Andy’s hands and arms, and whispers how hot he is in his ear.  It’s not the magic combination of words that Andy longs to hear, but it’ll do.

            He invites both Sid and Hannah over for Thanksgiving.  Sid says no, but Hannah agrees and Andy’s mom sets her a place at the table.

            “What’s Sid going to do?” Andy asks.

            “I think he’s over at his friend Adam’s house getting high.”

            “That’s sad.”

            “I think he prefers it.  Mom left Thanksgiving night.”

            Andy tries to call Sid later, but there isn’t answer and he doesn’t hear from him again until late the next night. 

            The following week Andy’s dad calls him to say he’s going to come to the game on Friday.  It’s the first game Andy’s mom will miss.  Molly has a gymnastics tournament five hours away in Chicago on Saturday, so they leave on Friday to get there.  Andy wishes Molly good luck and tells her to text him throughout the weekend so he’ll know how she’s doing.  His mother warns him not to have anyone over to the house, but if he breaks the rules and does, she makes him promise no one will drink.

            Their Friday night game is a home game.  The gym is quite large with bleachers on both side of the court.  The locker rooms are upstairs and there’s a balcony behind of the baskets where the teams always sit and watch each other.  Andy leans against the railing so he can see all the girls play.  They’re aggressive this year, cohesive and strong. It’s probably the best team they’ve had in the four years Andy’s been playing.  He scans the crowd, looking for his dad.  He doesn’t see him but he knows the boys’ game isn’t scheduled to start for another hour.  However, at the top of the bleachers, in the corner, he does spot Sid.  He sits lazily, one of his boots on the on the seats in front of him.  He’s still in his work clothes from the bike shop, but this time he’s wearing his black jacket.  He’s watching the game, eyes on his sister.

            Andy takes his phone out of his gym bag and texts him.

            _I didn’t know you were coming to the game since you have work early tomorrow_.

            He watches as Sid pulls his phone out of his pocket.  His eyes look around, probably looking for Andy.  Andy texts him again.

            _Look up_.

            Sid looks up at the balcony and even though Andy can’t see it, he knows Sid is smiling. 

            The girls win and are now 3-0 for the season. The boys play next and barely win by one point.  Andy plays three and a half quarters, only sitting out the beginning of the third to try to rest before his coach gives up and sends him back in.  Andy’s good at calling the plays, letting everyone know where they’re supposed to be, finding the open guy and then slipping between the other team’s players to receive the ball back to make a shot.  He’s neither tall nor short, but he’s fast and can keep control of the ball without having to look at it.

            He goes to the locker room afterwards to grab his bag.  Some of the guys go to shower, but he decides he’ll just do it at home.  Most of the gym is cleared out by the time he emerges, and when he walks out he’s has a lot of feelings competing inside his brain.  Sid and Hannah are waiting by the exit doors.

            “Oh hey.  I didn’t know you were waiting,” says Andy.

            “I had no idea you were so good,” says Sid.

            “I mean … I’m on the varsity team.  I can’t be that bad,” Andy snaps.

            “I know that,” says Sid, with what sounds like forced patience.  “I’ve never seen you play is all.”

            Andy looks around.  “I thought my dad was coming.”

            Hannah tells Sid she’s going to wait in the Jeep and he hands her his keys.

            “Hey, about that,” says Sid.  He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks at Andy’s shoes for a moment before raising his eyes to meet Andy’s.  “I heard him talking about it in the shop, going to meet some guys to go riding in the mountains this weekend.  He was leaving after work today.”

            “What the fuck?” says Andy, his hurt and anger winning over everything else he’s feeling.  “Did you come tonight just to tell me?”

            Sid shakes his head.  “No.”

            “Interesting coincidence that you’re here on the same night my father doesn’t show.”

            “I didn’t tell him I was thinking about coming. He wouldn’t have come if he thought I was going.  He’s already told me to stop seeing you.”

            “Wait, _what_?”

            Sid shrugs.  “Yeah, beginning of the school year.  Thinks I’m bad for you.  I told him you could make your own decisions over who you – uh – are friends with.”

            Andy nods.  “Right.  Well. Thanks.”

            “What’s wrong with you?”

            “I would’ve preferred you coming to see me play because _you_ wanted to, not because you feel bad that my dad wasn’t going to show.”

            “Why can’t it be both?”

            “Oh, come on.  It’s not both.  You like to keep me a secret in your bedroom.  We never do anything in public and you won’t even call yourself my boyfriend or tell me how you feel.  So why the fuck would I think you _wanted_ to come to one of my games?”

            Sid looks as though his patience is gone.  “Why don’t you come over instead of airing out all your shit in the gym?”

            “No, I’d rather go home.  My mom and Molly are gone all weekend and I’m not going to be good company right now, so I won’t be a bother to anyone.”

            Sid tries to reach out and grab him, but Andy pulls away.  He feels on edge, and he doesn’t want to cry.  Sid being nice will make him cry.  Andy drives home in silence and goes to clean himself up and change.  He takes an extra-long shower, only coming out when the water starts to run cold.  He combs his hair and brushes his teeth and figures he may as well go to bed or at least grab his laptop and watching mind-numbing reruns on Netflix before passing out.

            He changes into clean boxers and a t-shirt and is about to write the world off when his doorbell rings.  He goes downstairs to see who’s there, and is surprised to see Sid on the other side of the door.

            “What’re you doing here?”

            “You’re an idiot,” Sid says, but walks around him to get inside the house.  Andy closes the door behind him. 

            “Why?”

            Sid rolls his eyes.  “I’m not your punching bag just because your dad is an asshole. Also, if you have any problems with anything about me, you don’t need to yell it in the school building.”

            Andy crosses his arms over his chest. 

            “I came to your game because I wanted to see you play.”

            “Why?”

            Sid looks confused.  “It’s important to you, right?”

            “I mean, so you watch me play and tell me I did a good job.  Is it for you own peace of mind that you can go home and feel like you did a good thing? It’s not like you go to work and tell all your friends how amazing your boyfriend was at Friday night’s game.”

            “You’re being an asshole.”

            “I know that,” Andy snaps.  “It’s how I cope with disappointment.”

            “Learn that in psychology?”

            Andy rolls his eyes.  Then, he starts to cry.  He sits on the couch and covers his face with his hands, elbows on his knees. It’s not a hard cry, there’s no sobbing or heaving shoulders, it’s just a steady stream of tears.  Sid sits next to him and pulls him into his chest.

            “Jesus, Andy, what the fuck?”

            Everything that was ever bottled up comes forward. It’s anger, resentment, sadness, and anxiety.  Mixed together in a perfect whirlpool.

            Andy pulls away and wipes at his eyes. “Sorry.  I just.  I wanted to make things work with my dad, you know?  And then he was such an asshole, but he said he’d come to my game, and I thought, you know, _wow_ , maybe he’s going to actually try this time.  But no. And I was upset and then everything that I’ve been upset about for the last five months all came out.  It’s not you, it’s me.  All the resentment and lashing out.”

            “Uh huh,” says Sid.  “Five months, huh?  That’s oddly specific.”

            “Well, I mean.  Yeah.”

            “Is that how long we’ve been doing this?”

            “Yes.”

            “That’s the longest I’ve ever slept with the same person.”

            “Should that make me feel good?”

            Sid frowns.  “I thought it might.  I didn’t know any of this bothered you this much.”

            “Yes, you did.  Don’t patronize me.”

            “You’re using a lot of big words tonight.”  He pauses, as though maybe waiting for a response from Andy, but Andy doesn’t say anything.  “You know … the whole idea of boyfriends is not something I’m into.”

            “I know that!”  Andy wants to scream, but he gets up off the sofa and walks to the stairs. Sid is right behind him, catching his arm, and turning him around.  “ _What_?”

            “You’re really pissing me off,” says Sid.  “Will you stop walking away and finish the goddamn conversation?”

            “Why?  What good is it going to do?  You’ll remind me that I’m young and in high school and you don’t do relationships and I’ll get upset, but ultimately what will I do?  I’ll call you tomorrow and invite you over and we’ll have sex and ignore all of it.  Nothing will change because either I have to deal with it or you’ll walk.  Those are my two choices, right?”

            “No,” says Sid, his voice a little softer than normal.  He looks at Andy and then groans and runs his hands through his hair, tugging at the ends as though he’s going to pull them out.  “Fuck.  Everyone knows I’m gay anyway.  I’m not keeping you a secret.  We go play pool and drink.  People know we’re friends.”

            “Right,” says Andy.  “Friends.  And that’s places _you_ go.  I want to go to the movies or a real restaurant, you don’t.”

            “I’m not sleeping with anyone else.  There’s no one but you – how come you don’t realize this?”

“I don’t know what that means.”

            Sid throws his hands up in the air.  “Fuck it, Andy.  I don’t know what you want from me.”

            Andy grabs the front of Sid’s shirt.  “Yes, you do.”

            Sid shakes his hand and takes Andy’s hands and pulls them away from his shirt.  “You need to get out of your head so much.  I’m right here.”

            Andy drops his hands limply by his side.  “I’m tired,” he says.

            “Is that my hint to get the fuck out?”

            “You know where the door is.”

            “Right,” says Sid with a heavy sigh.  “Fine.”  He turns to leave and goes to the front door.  He pauses, either thinking of staying or waiting for Andy to stop him. He ends up leaving and shuts the door soundlessly behind him.

***

            The next morning Andy wakes up as soon as he hears the garbage truck.  It doesn’t normally wake him up, but today he goes to the front window to look outside. He sees Sid, backwards cap and headphones in, grabbing all the cans up and down the street and throwing the contents into the back of the truck.  He doesn’t look at Andy’s house, doesn’t pause, and continues down the street.  Andy wonders if he ever pauses when he gets to his house.  He wants to scream, get all the frustration out, but he goes to the kitchen and finds a bunch of junk food he can have for breakfast instead. 

            Sleep and food give him a new perspective as he thinks about the night before.  He knows Sid will never be able to tell him the things he wants to hear, but he had come over to check on him, to talk to him.  He’d let Andy be nasty to him after the game and still came over to his house.             Andy takes another shower and gets dressed.  He knows Sid works at the bike shop on Saturdays, so he figures he’s probably there.  He worries for a moment that he’ll see his dad before remembering he took off for the mountains. 

            The bike shop has a full parking lot, something Andy hasn’t seen before.  He parks and goes inside, expecting to see Sid behind the counter.  It’s Doug instead, checking out an older lady wearing all leather.  Johnny is in the showroom, talking to a couple about a bike.  When Doug is finished, Andy walks up.

            “Hey,” Doug says.  “Your dad isn’t here today.  But if you’re here for Sid, he’s teaching out back.”

            “He’s – what?”

            “Teaching.  He took over the bike class.”

            Andy shrugs.

            “He and Jose switched.  Jose works Wednesdays now and Sid teaches the motorcycle class. How-to-ride class.”

            “I didn’t realize that’s what he was doing.”

            “Yeah, come on, I’ll show you.”

            Andy follows him through the repair shop and out back.  Sid is sitting on one of the bikes, jeans and boots, helmet next to him on the ground. His work shirt is off, and the sleeves of his undershirt are rolled up.  His tattoo is bright in the sunlight, the top-half now almost all the way filled in.  Andy stares until Doug elbows him in the side.

            “It’s almost over, I think.  You can sit and wait if you want.  I’m sure Sid won’t mind.”

            “I don’t want to be in the way.”

            Doug snickers.  “You don’t have to play it coy with me,” he says.  “I know you’re friends.”

            “Well, yeah.”

            “Between the way your dad bitches about Sid and the way Sid always seems to be hanging out with you, I got it all figured out.”

            “No,” says Andy, shaking his head.

            “Think what you want,” says Doug. 

            “So is he teaching them, like, bike tricks?”

            “No, it’s all about riding a motorcycle and how to take care of it.  You can’t legally ride a bike on the road without a license so we teach classes on the weekends.”

            Doug goes back inside to finish work and Andy sits down at one of the wooden tables.  He isn’t sure if Sid has seen him yet, so he’s quiet as he finishes with his four students.  Three of them thank him and leave.  The four, a younger woman with long blonde hair, hangs back to talk to him.  Sid isn’t facing Andy so he can’t see his expression as the woman reaches out and touches his arm, asking about his tattoos. Everyone else has on jackets, but Sid is never cold.

            “Just different stuff I like.”

            “What’s four-fifteen?” she asks, pointing to the numbers.

            “My little sister’s birthday.”

            “That’s sweet.”

            “I guess.”

            “We should get a drink.”

            “That’s nice of you, but I don’t think so.”

            “Why not?  You have a girlfriend?”

            “No, but I’m gay.”

            The woman smiles.  “Gay?  Really? You expect me to believe that?”

            “Ask him,” says Sid, pointing over his shoulder.

            Andy knows he’s turning red and he looks down at his shoes.  The woman continues with the sultry tone but Sid brushes her off.  He picks up the helmet off the ground and walks over to Andy. 

            “So?” he says, eyebrows raised.

            Andy stands.  “Hey.”

            “You want to see my bike?”

            “That one?  Is it yours?”

            “Not yet, but the owner of this place keeps a portion of my paycheck aside and when I have enough, he’ll let me buy the bike. I ride on it here and use it to teach the class.  Sometimes I take it out, but it has to always come back here.”  Sid shrugs.  “It’s fun. I like it.  I’m about halfway there.”

            “How come you never told me?”

            “There’s a lot of stuff I don’t tell you.”

            “Why?”

            “It’s not particularly interesting, I guess.”

            “I think it is,” says Andy.

            “Your dad actually told me I was a dumbass for doing it.  Said I should be keeping all my money to get out of my dad’s house instead of wasting it on bikes and tattoos.”

            “You take care of all your own stuff.  If you don’t have anything to live for, then what’s the point?”

            “Exactly,” Sid replies.  “You want to go for a ride?”

            “On the bike?”

            “Sure, why not?  I’ll get an extra helmet.”

            Sid helps Andy with the helmet, has him get on the bike behind him, and makes sure his grip is tight.  He tells him he has to trust his body and lean the same way he leans and not to resist.  He takes off through the open gate and into the parking lot.  They go down the street, through a neighborhood, and back onto the main road.  It’s fast, but Andy knows Sid is probably holding back.  It’s fun and exhilarating.  He can see why this would be something Sid wants.  They’re gone for at least half an hour before Sid turns into Down Shift and takes the bike to the back.  Andy takes off the helmet and runs a hand through his hair.  Sid does the same and takes both helmets back inside the shop.  When he comes back out, he’s already got a cigarette in his mouth and a lighter in his hand.

            “Why don’t you tell me things?” Andy asks.

            “I don’t know.”

            “I find everything about you interesting.  I always have, even when we were little.  I want to know everything about you.”

            “Then we’ll run out of things to talk about.”

            “No, we won’t.”

            “Why don’t we continue this over pizza?  I’m starving.”

            “Oh, okay, sure.  You can come to my—”

            “We can go to Pizza Planet.”

            Andy blinks, unsure of what to say.  He takes the olive branch.  They drive separately there and get a booth.  Sid tells Andy all about his tattoo, what each individual picture means, and why he likes them.  Andy tells Sid about the first time he played baseball and how he couldn’t ever manage to hit the ball.  About the time he broke his arm and told everyone it was when he fell off his bike, but it was really when he trip over the rake he’d left in the yard and just fell the wrong way.  About the turtle he had when he was ten who mysteriously ran away, although he still thinks Molly let him out and never told him.  Sid tells Andy about the day his mom left, how she was supposed to run to the gas station convenience store for Redi-Whip for their pumpkin pie and just never came back, how her clothes were all gone, how it was all planned, down to the last detail.  He tells him about how his first job was on a construction site with his father, how he was too young to work there so they paid him under the table, how his father got hurt because he was drunk, and how they both got fired because of it.  He tells him about the first time he got suspended in the second grade and how he got suspended every year after that, about how the school counselor cornered him one day to ream him out for being a fuck-up but ultimately refused to let him leave her office until he’d committed to start doing his homework and kept him on track for the next two years until he graduated.  He tells him about how his father always missed everything because he was drunk. 

            “He’s never been to a basketball or soccer game for Hannah.”

            “What about when you guys were little?”

            “He started drinking when I was seven.”

            “My mom used to tell me that my dad left because he was scared to tell me he loved me and so he ran away instead.”

            “She’d probably tell me my dad still loves me even though he drinks.”

            “Probably.”

            “There’s only ever been three people to say that to me,” said Sid, using his straw to swirl the ice inside his glass.  “One of them is drunk and sometimes violent.  One of them abandoned us on Thanksgiving Day. And the other one is Hannah.  I don’t have a good track record for people who say they love me.”

            “That’s why you should allow more people to tell you, so you can start believing it.”

            Sid doesn’t answer.  They get up and play some of the arcade games.  They have just enough quarters at the end to try their hand at the claw machine.  Sid maneuvers the arm around and sends the hand down into the pit of prizes.  It comes out with a neon green bear and drops it into the side.  Sid takes it out of the shoot and hands it to Andy. 

            “Now you can’t say I never got you anything.”

            “Will you come over?” Andy asks as he takes the bear.

            “Sure,” answers Sid.  “Let me make a quick stop first and then I’ll be over, okay?”

            Sid shows up almost an hour later.  Andy doesn’t remember coming up the stairs with Sid, but he finds himself on his stomach, Sid kissing in between his shoulder blades, fingers inside him, spreading him open.  Sid goes slow and comes before Andy.  He gathers Andy into his arms and brings him off with his hand. Sid gets up to get Andy a towel to clean himself up with and comes back with both the towel and a book that he grabbed off Andy’s desk.  He hands him both. 

            When Andy’s all cleaned up, he holds the book in his hand.  Sid lays down on the bed, his back against the wall, bracing himself.  Andy is pressed tightly against him, one of Sid’s arm behind him. 

            “What is this?”

            Sid kisses Andy’s shoulder.               

            “Is this the book you’re always doodling in at work?”  He sits straight up and opens it.  It’s full of drawings and weird symbols.  Some of the designs Andy has seen on the motorcycles at Down Shift.  He goes through the notebook until he gets to the middle and he stops.  It’s a sketch of Andy’s name, made to look like graffiti.  “What is this?”

            Sid shrugs.  “They had to hire someone else for sales and register at the bike shop.  I started getting too much custom stuff. It’s all I do if I’m not teaching. Makes me a lot more money.”

            “That’s amazing.”

            “I guess.  That’s a lot of the random stuff I come up with for the bikes.  Like a log of all the shit I think up.”

            “You’re not going to put my name on a bike, though.”

            “No, but sometimes I draw what I’m thinking about or feeling and it helps with my artist’s block and I can continue to work on something else.”

            Andy continues to flip through the book.  He’s in there three more times.  “Why’d you show me this?”

            “Because you don’t ever seem to believe me when I say there isn’t anyone else.  It’s just you.”

            Andy looks away from Sid, feeling a little guilty. “Thank you,” he says, “but why can’t you say it?  You show me this, tell me you think about me, but …”

            Sid is quiet.  Andy places the notebook on his bedside table and turns around.  He presses against Sid, straddling his middle, his knees on either side of Sid’s hips. 

            “Listen,” says Andy, very close to Sid’s mouth.  “I’m going to tell you something, and you’re going to promise me you’re not going to freak out.”

            Sid shakes his head, but Andy continues.

            “I love you.  I’ve been in love with you since the summer.  You don’t want me to say it, and you don’t want to say it back, but you _have_ to understand this.  I got so upset because I didn’t want it to be one-sided.” 

            Sid groans.  “Why do you have to say shit like that?”

            “I can’t _not_ say it.  You write my name, I say words.”

            “Don’t say it again,” Sid says.

            “Okay,” says Andy simply.

            “But if you want to go to the movies, we can. Or something.  We don’t have to only play darts and make out in bedrooms, or whatever it was you said.”

            “Thanks.”

            Sid gets up and starts to redress.  “I need to smoke.”

            Andy sits up on the edge of the bed, his feet on the floor, and watches.  Sid comes over and kisses him roughly, biting his lip and pulling on his hair.  He touches their foreheads together for a moment before standing back up. 

            “It’s not one-sided,” he says, grabbing his shirt and pulling it on.  He’s almost out the door, but Andy jumps up and rushes him, pushes him against the door and kisses him.  It’s needy and dirty and he grabs Sid’s hands and guides it between his legs.  Sid groans and it sounds a little annoyed. “I was going to go smoke,” he says, but he pushes away from the door and lifts Andy up by the hips until his legs are wrapped around Sid’s middle.  They turn until Andy is the one with his back against the wall.

            He hooks his ankles together behind Sid’s back, and Sid undoes his belt and pushes his jeans down.

            “I guess this is what we’re doing instead?”

            Andy nods.  “Uh huh.”

            And Sid takes him, both of them still standing.

***

            Andy cleans the house the next day, just in case. He thinks back on last night, on the things they said and did, and smiles, but he also has a nagging at the back of his mind.  He knows what’s bothering him, but he doesn’t want to think about it.  In all the times they’ve been together, they’ve always used a condom, and even if Andy is going down on Sid, he never lets himself come in his mouth.  Sid usually takes all of Andy in, but maybe he knows that the only other experience Andy has had was with another virgin.  Sid mentioned always being safe in passing once, how he’s never been tested so he doesn’t want to risk anything with Andy.  Last night they were not safe.  He wonders if he should say anything to Sid.

            At school on Monday, Andy is preoccupied with his thoughts.  Hannah and Georgia call him out for it during lunch.  He apologizes, but they don’t buy it.

            “I thought you had a good weekend,” says Hannah, which is probably her polite way of saying her brother was gone most of the weekend and she knows where he was.

            “Yeah,” says Andy.

            “What’d you do?” Georgia asks.

            Andy shrugs.  He pushes his food away from him, not feeling hungry.  “I kind of did something stupid and now I’m worried about it.”

            Hannah raises her eyebrows, suddenly looking more interested.

            “I kind of had sex” – Hannah rolls her eyes – “but I wasn’t exactly safe and now I can’t stop thinking about it.”

            Hannah makes a face.  “I was better off not knowing,” she says.

            “Sorry.”

            Georgia looks back and forth between them.  “I’m missing something, aren’t I?  Is this the same person who gave you those hickeys over the summer?”

            “Yes.”

            “What are you worried about?  Pregnancy or something?”

            “Not exactly.”

            “I give up,” Georgia says, clearly exasperated.

            Andy reaches into his pocket and pulls out his phone.  He goes to his photos and finds the one of him and Sid on Sid’s birthday.  They were in the back of the van, and even though Sid isn’t smiling, he looks happy.  Georgia glances at the phone, does a double take, and grabs it.

            “Oh my fucking god,” she says.  “Do you have a boyfriend?”

            “No,” says Andy.  “He’s not my boyfriend.”

            “But you fuck him?”

            Andy narrows his eyes in thought.  Georgia laughs.

            “Other way around, right?” she says, and laughs again. She sobers up quickly and adds, “You know the whole school thinks the two of you are going out.”  She points to Andy and Hannah.

            “No way,” Andy says at the exact time Hannah says, “I know.”

            They look at each other and Hannah shrugs.  “It’s true.”

            After practice, Andy goes home and his mom is already there.  She’s making dinner in the kitchen and he gives her a quick kiss on the cheek before going upstairs to shower.  She stops him before he can leave the kitchen.

            “Mrs. Flynn says she saw a strange car here over the weekend.”

            “Mrs. Flynn needs to mind her own business,” Andy grumbles.

            “She said it was a black Jeep and a really scary looking guy was here.”

            “Scary?  No way.”

            Andy’s mom looks at him, her expression asking for the truth.

            “She saw Sid’s Jeep.  Hannah’s older brother.”

            “Are you friends with him?”

            Andy isn’t sure how to answer.  “I guess so.  He and Hannah came over while you were gone.”  A half-lie. 

            “Did Hannah stay over?”

            “No.”  At least he didn’t have to lie about that one.

            “I see.  Well, I like Hannah, but next time just tell me ahead of time so I don’t have to hear it from Mrs. Flynn.”

            “Sure thing, Mom.”

            Andy’s dad calls him later in the week to apologize for missing the game and asking if they can get dinner.  Andy says he’ll see what his plans are during the holiday break, because between school and practice, most of his time is taken up. 

            The rest of the year is busy for both him and Sid. Basketball is brutal and the girls are doing way better than the boys.  They take part in a tournament the last weekend before Christmas and the girls win and the boys come in third.  Once the tournament is over, it’s a nice two-week break from practice. Andy still runs every afternoon and weight trains every morning, but without the added pressure of homework, he gets to relax.

            Sid is busier than ever, with commissions piling on top of him.  Andy goes one Saturday night to keep him coming at the shop and ends up falling asleep, head on Sid’s work table, and wakes up after three a.m. and Sid is still working. 

            Sid is the one who brings up their mishap without the condom and asks they both get tested.  It’s probably the most straight forward thing Sid has ever said in regards to their non-relationship. Sid drives them an hour into the city so they can go to the free clinic.  Andy is nervous, mostly because he’s never had to talk to a doctor about his sex life before.  He feels uncomfortable and awkward and the doctor tells him, “If you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, then you’re not ready to do it.” 

            On New Year’s Eve, Andy goes to a party with Hannah and Georgia because Sid blows him off to go “party” with Adam, which Andy knows means get high.  On New Year’s Day Sid invites him to come over, but Andy blows him off to have lunch with his dad, which ends up being mostly awkward because his dad doesn’t really want to talk about anything meaningful so they spend an hour talking about basketball.  It feels hollow.

            When school starts back, Andy hears that a couple of college recruiters are going to the Tuesday night game.  He knows he isn’t good enough to get into a big name school like Duke or Michigan, but he knows he has a shot at some smaller schools. Scholarships are the only way he’s going to get through college without a massive amount of debt.  He tells Sid about the game and it’s the only time Sid has ever seemed bothered.  He is quiet and excuses himself to smoke.

            The game goes really well and Andy expects to hear from at least one of the schools soon.  It’s hard to contain his excitement, and his mother’s pride gushes when she finally gets to see him after the game.  He ends up getting an offer from a school in Chicago, only five hours away from home, and he has to give them his decision by April first. His mother tells him to take his time in case he decides he wants to go somewhere else, but nowhere else has offered him a full scholarship to attend, so he thinks the decision in fairly simple.

            When February hits, Andy and Georgia have a project due for their government class.  They go to the only coffeeshop in town to study one Saturday to work on it and Hannah tags along with her math homework.  In the middle of their study session, Andy’s phone rings and he’s surprised to see Sid’s name pop up; usually he only texts. 

            “Hey, what’s up?”

            “I was going to go to this art show and I was going to ask if you wanted to tag along.”

            “To an art show?  Really?”

            “Adam told me about it.  It’s called Art Underground or something, for alternative art. Lots of people who do graffiti and stuff.  Thought there might be some people who do airbrushing stuff.  Thought I’d check it out.  Maybe make a new contact.”

            “Well, I’d love to come, but I’m sitting here with Georgia and Hannah.”

            “Who’s Georgia?  Oh wait, I think I picked Hannah up from her house last week.”

            “Maybe.”

            “And you won’t leave them behind to go to this with me?” Sid asks, although his tone suggests he already knows the answer.

            “No.”

            “Shit.  Why not?” Sid groans.  Andy wonders what Sid is thinking, but then, “Fine bring them along if they want to go.”

            Andy puts a hand over his phone.  “Sid wants to know if we want to go to an art show with him.”

            “All of us?” asks Georgia, looking surprised.

            “Since when does Sid like art?” asks Hannah.

            “It’s like for graffiti people or something.”

            Hannah smiles and laughs a little.  “Graffiti people?” she repeats.  Georgia laughs, too.

            “You know what I mean.”

            “Okay, sure.  When?”

            “We’re at the coffeehouse.  Where should we meet you?”

            “I’ll come pick you up,” says Sid.  “I’m leaving my house now.”

            In the Jeep, Andy sits in the front with Sid and he can sense how tense he is.  He’s not normally like this when it’s just him and Hannah.  Sid smokes as they drive into the city, and Hannah and Georgia sit in the backseat and talk about a documentary they watched on ducks.

            “…did they say _ducks_?” Sid whispers.

            “Yeah.”

            He laughs around his cigarette and shrugs.

            The venue is huge, much bigger than anything Andy imagines.  It has rows of artists using unconventional media and mediums to showcase their work. They walk around, stopping in each booth.  Sid looks dissatisfied until they stop at a table where a guy is actively using an airbrush on some metal pieces, maybe the sides of old trash cans.  Sid looks transfixed and Andy steps closer to them so their hips touch.  Sid seems startled for a moment, but he slings an arm around Andy’s shoulders and kisses the top of his head and then pulls him away to look at the next artist. Andy wonders if Sid is even realizing how affectionate he’s being out here in public around all these people, but he loves it and doesn’t want him to stop so he stays silent, but he reaches up to hold the hand that's resting on his shoulder.

            Afterwards, they decide they’re hungry and Sid drives them for pizza.  Georgia says she doesn’t want to go to Pizza Planet because too many of the kids from school will be there, and she’s “over them.”  Instead they go to Mario’s, which is a bit of a hole in the wall, but they have the chewy cheese that Andy likes.  They get a table and are given menus.  They order soda and Andy is very aware of how close Sid is sitting to him.  His arm is slung across the back of Andy’s chair, lazily, but Andy knows nothing Sid does is by accident.  He’s quiet and listens as everyone else talks.  Andy wonders if Sid is thinking how young they all are, especially compared to him, but no one is talking about school.  In fact, Georgia is telling a story about a wedding she went to over Christmas break.

            “It was awful.  The bride’s dress tore and someone lost her veil.  I think the best man had the flu because he wasn’t even there.”

            “Sounds like a comedy movie,” says Hannah.

            “It was.  I ended up getting drunk off champagne with my older cousin after I walked in on my parents having sex in the hotel room.  It was the worst night of my life.”

            Sid smirks, but stays quiet.

            “That never happened to me,” says Andy.  “I don’t even remember my parents being together.”

            “You’re lucky.”

            “I never did either,” says Sid with a shrug. “Lucky me, too, I guess.”

            Georgia looks at Hannah.

            “Oh, not our parents, no,” Hannah says slowly.

            “What does that mean?” asks Sid.  “Dad with someone else?”

            “No.”

            “Mom with someone else?”

            “No…”

            Sid’s face tenses.  “Hannah,” he says.

            She laughs and leans over to whisper something in Georgia’s ear.  Georgia bursts into laughter.  Sid rolls his eyes.  Andy is confused.

            “Sorry,” says Hannah, looking at Andy.

            “Wait, _what_?” Andy says.

            Hannah and Georgia both laugh loudly. 

            “She said once you forgot to close Sid’s door all the way.  It was terrifying.”

            Andy covers his face with his hands, mortified. “Oh my god,” he says.

            The girls laugh louder.

            “At least you’re getting laid,” says Sid. His tone is nonchalant but there’s a redness in his cheeks.

            “Oh shit,” says Hannah, immediately sobering up. “Andy, don’t turn around, but your mom and sister just walked in.”

            Of course Andy whirls around, and Sid removes his arm so quickly Andy is surprised he didn’t fall over.  This is not ideal.  He always hoped he’d be able to finish high school before his mother ever encountered Sid.

            “Andy,” she says walking up to the table. “Hello, girls.”

            “Hi, Mrs. Davis,” says Georgia with a smile. “It’s nice to see you again.  Hey, Molly.”

            Molly gives a little wave.

            “Why don’t you join us?” Hannah asks.

            Andy could have killed her right then and not even felt guilty.  He glances at Sid who looks murderous.  Hannah smiles a little bit too sweetly and suddenly Andy realizes how evil she is. The waiter helps pull up another table so Andy’s mom and Molly can join.  His mom sits across from him, which gives her a perfect view of both him and Sid.

            “How’s your dad, Sidney?” she asks.

            Andy wants to die.

            “He’s fine, thanks.”

            “Don’t lie to me,” she says, her tone light but still warning. 

            Sid shrugs.  “The same.”  He’s purposefully avoiding Andy’s gaze. 

            “I guess he never went to that clinic?”

            “No, ma’am,” Sid says.  He clears his throat and takes a long drink of his soda.

            “You were supposed to tell me if he didn’t go so I could try to find him another place.”

            Sid clears his throat.  “I didn’t want to bother you.”

            “It wouldn’t have been a bother.”  She opens her menu and scans over it.  “I used to see you guys all the time.  What happened?”

            Andy looks at Hannah, but she’s also avoiding his eyes.  Georgia seems oblivious to any awkwardness.

            “Sometimes we call George,” Sid says.

            Andy’s mom looks up over the top of her menu. “Oh really?  And he helps?”

            “Yes.”

            “Good.  Good, good. That’s a small relief, I’m sure.”

            “I guess so.”

            “Not ideal, but what can you do?”

            Andy senses it’s a rhetorical question. 

            “You don’t still work that construction site, do you?”

            “No, ma’am,” says Sid.

            “That’s good.  I didn’t like that place for you.  You were too young to be there.  Do you still have my number?”

            “Yes.”

            “If anything else happens with your dad, please call me.  Even if I’m not at the hospital, I’ll still come help.”

            “Yes, ma’am.”

            “Mom,” Andy says, looking intently at her. “What are you doing?”

            “Getting to know your friend.”

            “It’s fine,” says Sid, but clearly feeling tense.

            Andy tries to remain calm throughout the rest of the meal.  They order three medium pizzas to split; Andy likes plain cheese.  His mom pays for everyone and leaves as soon as the check is paid.  Andy has so many questions, but he wants to wait until he’s alone with Sid.  Georgia must have sense this because she offers to drive Hannah home, even though Hannah is already in Sid’s car.  They leave in Georgia’s car after going back inside the coffeeshop for a to-go cup.

            Andy is quiet, stares straight ahead through the windshield, but he’s not really looking at anything.  Sid is quiet, too.  Then, he clears his throat.

            “So last year I worked with my dad at this construction site.  Remember Mike?  From that first night I took you to play pool?  We worked together for a minute, same site.  My dad got hurt and I took him to the hospital and your mom was the nurse who took care of him.  She helped set up a placement at a rehab type place and I tried to get my dad to go but he wouldn’t ever go inside.”

            “Who’s George?”

            “He’s a cop.  There’s a couple bars around town that know when to call him.  Sometimes we call him if Dad’s being unreasonable. He’ll pick him up and make him sleep it off in a jail cell.  He doesn’t really arrest him but it helps because Dad won’t drive drunk if he’s in jail, you know?”

            Andy is shocked.  “Why didn’t you ever tell me this?  I can’t believe my mom knows anything about you.”

            “I don’t know.  I don’t like talking about myself.”

            “Why did my mom give you her number?  That’s the weirdest shit I’ve heard in a while.”

            Sid sighs and rubs his eyes.  “Because she knew I was struggling.  Paying bills, taking care of Hannah.  She found a bag of weed on me.  I was going to sell it for Adam to make money.  She took it and flushed it and gave me the money for it if I promised not to sell it anymore so I wouldn’t get in trouble.  She gave me her number in case I needed anything else.”

            Andy thinks back.  He remembers a week the summer before last where his mom picked up two extra shifts at work because she said she had an unexpected bill come up. He now wonders if this was the story behind that.

            “Did you ever try to sell again?”

            “No.  I didn’t really want to in the first place, and clearly I sucked at it because it fell out of my pocket within a couple hours of having it.”

            “Jesus,” breathes Andy, unsure whether to be angry or not.  “It’s like you have this whole other life that I’m not a part of.”

            “ _Had_ ,” corrects Sid. 

            “This is unreal.”

            “Your mom is okay people,” says Sid.

            “Yeah until she finds out you’re fucking me.”

            “Am I still going to be doing that after tonight?” Sid jokes, but part of him looks unsure.

            Andy meets his eyes.  “What?

            “Never mind.”

            “I’m going to go home, because I have a feeling there’s more in store for me.  Clearly my mom knew we were friends.”

            “Yeah, I picked up on that too.”

            Andy says goodbye and gets out of the Jeep without kissing Sid goodbye.  He wonders if Sid notices.

            Back at home, Andy thanks his mom for paying for dinner, and tries to escape upstairs, but she stops him.  She has her hands on her hips and her eyebrows are raised.

            “What’s wrong?” he asks.

            “It’s time for some truth-telling.”

            “Oh boy.”

            “From both of us,” she says and then sighs. “Sit down.”

            Andy sits on the sofa and his mom sits next to him. 

            “I know Hannah wasn’t over here when I took Molly to her competition.  I know it was only Sid.  I knew it as soon as Mrs. Flynn told me, but I wanted to see if you’d tell me the truth. I don’t blame you for wanting to keep the secret, but I was hoping you’d tell me you were gay.”

            “Having Sid come over to hang out doesn’t mean I’m gay.”

            “True,” his mom says slowly, “but … your dad told me you’ve been seeing him since the summer.”

            “What!” Andy cries.  “What do you mean by ‘your dad’?”

            “We still talk.”

            Andy jumps up off the sofa.  “Are you kidding me?”

            “He calls every few months, sends money every now and then.  He asks how you guys are doing.  I always tell him.  He told me you came to see him.  Then he told me how you were seeing Sid and he was really upset about it, but I saw Sid differently than him, so he backed off on the topic.”

            “Oh my god,” says Andy, mortified.  “Everyone in my life keeps secrets from me.  What is Molly hiding?”

            “I’m sorry, sweetie.”

            Andy shakes his head.  “This is wild.  I can’t believe any of this right now.”

            “Don’t be mad, please.  I wanted to give you the space to tell me the truth about everything, but I didn’t think you would.  It was coincidence that I saw you guys at Mario’s.”  She stands and goes to hug Andy.  “I love you, sweetie.”

            “Uh huh.”

            “Don’t be mad.”

            “I don’t know what I am right now.”

            “Grateful,” she says, “that your mom loves you enough to keep your secrets about your father and your boyfriend.”

            “He’s not my boyfriend.”

            “Oh, are you guys too cool for labels?”

            Andy rolls his eyes.  “Can I go to my room now?  I’d like to be mortified in peace.”

            “From what I know of him, he’s a probably a good friend to have for your first friend.”

            “Jesus, Mom.”

            Andy goes upstairs and flops on his bed.  He texts Sid about what his mom knows and what she says, and he replies, _I promise I had no idea she knew anything_

***

            Basketball continues to go well.  The boys’ team makes it to the regionals, but lose two games in.  The girls, however, make it all the way to state, but lose by three points in overtime. Andy and Sid go to the game together. Georgia cheers on the sidelines and most of the school turns out.  Brian and Cliff end up sitting in front of Andy, which he thinks may be on purpose. They don’t like how Georgia spends all her time with him and Hannah now, and they’ve been vocal about their concerns of Andy’s relationship with “Hannah’s loser brother.”  Andy’s ignored them and hasn’t said anything to Sid about them, so he ignores them in the stands.

            During half-time, Brian turns around and asks Andy if this is the guy he’s left all his friends for.  “Your new butt-buddy,” he jokes.

            Sid looks unamused.  “What does that even mean?”

            Brian and Cliff both laugh. 

            Sid leans down close.  “You know, if you think Andy’s my – what did you call it? – butt buddy? – then all that means is he’s getting laid and, sadly, you’re not. So what does that say about you?”

            The rest of the game continues without incident, and when they meet Hannah outside afterwards, she looks sad, but Sid tells her she should be proud.

            Once the season is over, Andy goes back to doing homework at school during his free period and driving Hannah home.  Sometimes she comes over and they do homework together, sometimes he takes her straight home.  Except for Wednesdays.  Those afternoons he gets to dedicate to Sid again.  It makes him happy.  They’re in their own world Wednesday afternoons, and even one day when Andy misses school because he’s sick, Sid comes over to watch TV with him and get him juice.

            April approaches and Andy knows he has to make a decision about school.  His mom keeps trying to get him to commit, but Andy dodges every question.  He wants to talk to Sid about it, but knows Sid doesn’t like talking about the future.  He feels alone in the decision and it makes him anxious. 

            “What’s wrong?” Sid asks.  They sit in the back room of the bike shop, Sid working on a new design, Andy pretending to read in his copy of _Grendel_. 

            “Nothing.”

            “Liar.  I know there’s something swirling around in that brain of yours.”

            Andy closes his book.  “I was offered a full scholarship to college.  Basketball so long as I also maintain a B average.”

            “Well that’s amazing!”

            “Yeah.”

            Sid looks up.  “Why isn’t that amazing?”

            “It’s in Chicago.”

            “So?”

            Andy frowns and looks away.

            “Ah,” says Sid.  He puts his airbrush down and wheels his chair over to Andy.  “You don’t want to go because Chicago is too far away?”

            “Five hours by car.”

            “Uh huh.”

            “Never mind.”

            “What the fuck, Andy?  Even if it was twenty hours away, you can’t pass up a free ride. Besides, the schools here are crappy. You can’t get the degree you want here.”

            “I’ll miss you.”

            “You still got six months before you have to miss me.  Don’t make it weird before you have to.”

            “But … it’s so far.  Too far, really.  Their basketball season is longer and I wouldn’t be able to come home every weekend and I’ll have to stay in the dorms with a roommate so I don’t know how you’d be able to come visit without getting a hotel room.”

            Sid shakes his head.  “You worry too much.  Why are you planning out something that’s going to happen next year?  Just live your life.”

            “Would you come visit?” Andy asks, his voice sounding small.

            “I don’t know,” says Sid slowly.  “That’s a lot to ask.  It’s easy for people to change when they’re apart for long periods of time.”

            “I’d come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Spring break.”

            “Andy.”

            “What?”

            “Stop being so stressed.  You haven’t even graduated high school yet.  Chill the fuck out about college.”

            “I’m trying to talk to you about how I’m feeling.”

            “You’re always trying to talk to me about how you’re feeling.”

            Andy is pissed.  He tries to stand, but Sid grabs his wrist.  “Sit down.  We don’t have to talk about _everything_ , do we?  You’re going to college.  I’m staying here.  You can’t go to college here because there’s not one for you.  I can’t leave because I still have to take care of my little sister. I don’t want to sit here and talk about all the reasons why long distance shit is hard or what things would even look like once you’re gone.  I’d rather sit here, finish my work, you finish your book, and go play pool, and then go back to my room and fool around.  I don’t want to miss out on the next six months by talking about college over and over again.”

            “You just want to get laid for the next six months.”

            “Preferably.”  Sid picks up his airbrush again and goes back to work.  Andy watches him, knowing what he said is both correct and wrong at the same time.  He doesn’t want to waste the time they have left by talking the subject to death, but he does want to know that when he leaves, there will be something worth coming home for.

            The rest of the school year seems to drag, but mid-April is Spring Break and Andy doesn’t have any plans except  on Thursday to have lunch with his dad and then he will meet up with Sid once he gets off work. When Andy gets to the restaurant, his dad doesn’t show up.  This is the second time he’s been stood up by his father, and he’s more than annoyed. He goes to the bike shop to ask him _what the fuck_ , but when he gets there, he asks the new guy up front to tell his dad that he’s there.

            Sid is the one who comes out from the back, looking surprised to see him.

            “Hey, I heard you were looking for your dad.”

            “Yeah, he stood me up for lunch.  Again.”

            “He didn’t come to work today.”

            “What?”

            Sid shrugs.  “Do you know where he lives?”

            “No.”

            “Here, I’ll look it up.”  Sid goes to the computer and starts typing and clicking. “Doug said he tried calling him, but he didn’t get an answer.  He figured he was just sleeping one off.  Happens from time to time.”

            “Right.”

            Sid writes down an address on a piece of paper. “Let me know he’s okay when you get there.”

            Andy nods.  “Right.  Thanks.”

            Sid hands the paper to Andy, and lightly takes his hand as he does so. “He’s an asshole for standing you up.  Don’t let it get to you.”

            “Hard not to.”

            “My dad’s an asshole, too.”  Sid lets go of his hand.

            Andy leaves and puts the address into his phone’s GPS.  The apartment is a crappy building about seven miles from the bike shop.  It’s run down and most of the windows have AC units stuck in them and the ones that don’t look broken.  Andy walks up the rusty iron stairs to the second landing and finds the door that has a 27 on it.  He knocks but no one answers.  He knocks again and waits.

            “Hey, kid!”

            Andy turns around and looks over the railing to the parking lot behind.  An older, overweight man looks up at him.  He has on overalls and has a toolbox in his hand.

            “You lookin’ for Jimmy Davis?”

            “Yeah,” answers Andy.

            “He skipped out.  Didn’t pay the rent last two months and all his shit’s gone.  Went in myself this morning to change the air filter.”

            Andy feels the blood drain from his face. “He’s gone?”

            “Yeah, sorry.  You know him?”

            Andy takes a deep breath.  “No.  No, I don’t. Thanks.”  He walks down the stairs and gets back into his car.  He takes out his cell and texts Sid, _His landlord says he skipped out on rent and disappeared._ He presses send, throws his phone across his car and drives home.

***

            Andy sits on the floor, his back against his bed. He has a video game playing on the old TV, but he’s not really paying attention.  He ignored his mom when he came home and she didn’t ask any questions, but he knows they’ll come later when she thinks she’s given him enough space. Molly is outside in the backyard with one of her friends from school doing gymnastic tricks in the grass. When the doorbell rings at five-thirty, Andy assumes it’s someone to pick up Molly’s friend.  He freezes mid-jump on his game when he hears Sid’s name.

            “Sidney.”  Andy’s mom’s voice is slightly muffled, but he can hear it well enough. 

            “Hey.  I came to see Andy if that’s okay with you.”

            “Are you the reason he’s mad?”

            “Not this time.”

            “Do you know what’s wrong?”

            “Yes.”

            “You’re not going to tell me are you?”

            “Not if Andy doesn’t want me to.”

            “I can’t decide if that’s annoying or honorable.  I’m sure you know where his room is by now.”

            Andy doesn’t hear Sid’s response, but he hears his footsteps coming up the stairs then sees him in his doorway.  Sid pauses.  Andy looks up at him.  Sid’s hands are in his pockets as though he’s waiting for an invitation, but when Andy doesn’t give him one, he steps into his room anyway.  He sits next to Andy and takes the controller. 

            “You’re losing.”

            “I know.” 

            Andy sits further back and watches Sid play.  His elbows are on his knees, the game controller held lazily between his hands.  His dark boots and frayed look out of place in Andy’s room, a very grown thing in a room that’s still very childlike.

            “I wish every day that my dad had skipped out on me instead of my mom.”

            “How would things be different?”

            “She’d still ignore us – _shit_ , I died – but she’d at least pay the electric bill.  I wouldn’t be stuck in this town.”

            “Oh.”

            “She’d probably go grocery shopping, or at least give us money to go get food.  I don’t know if she’d make sure Hannah got to school or practice or anything.  Probably not.  When we were little she liked us, but I think we got complicated and it was too hard for her.  Sometimes I think if I hadn’t been such a terror she would’ve stayed.”

            “You weren’t a terror.”

            Sid laughs gruffly.  “Yeah, I was.  I got suspended, I didn’t do my homework.  I’m not dumb or anything.  The school counselor helped me graduate.  I think she knew I didn’t want to be worthless, but when your dad ignores you to get drunk and your mom ignores you because she can’t be bothered, well – that’s how you end up acting.  Like you’re worthless.  Anyway.”

            Andy swallows against a sudden lump in his throat. 

            “But then she – the counselor – also told me that whether or not I was failing school, my mom still probably would’ve left. Because Hannah was a perfect student and she still didn’t stick around.  I guess she was trying to tell me it wasn’t my fault.”

            “Are you trying to tell me my dad skipping out _again_ without saying goodbye isn’t my fault?”

            “I don’t think you need to listen to my stories for you to know that.”

            Andy sighs.

            “But, you know … if my mom had stayed, then I probably wouldn’t be at home still.  I sure as shit wouldn’t be collecting people’s garbage and I definitely wouldn’t be making out with you five days a week.  So who’s to say which way would be better?”

            Andy closes his eyes and puts his head on Sid’s shoulder.  It was the second-most romantic thing Sid has ever said to him, and Andy isn’t even sure that Sid is aware of it.

            Sid puts the controller down and wraps an arm around Andy’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry your dad sucks,” he says.

            “I’m sorry your dad sucks, too.”

            “Your mom isn’t too bad.  For a mom.”

            “Yeah.  Thanks for coming over.  I didn’t expect you to.”

            Sid is quiet next to him.  “I remember what it was like when I realized my mom was gone for good.”

            “I didn’t have my dad for as long as you had your mom, though.”

            “Doesn’t make it any less real.”

            Andy nods against Sid’s work shirt.  Sid pulls away and repositions himself.  He leans into Andy and kisses him.  It’s light and sweet and not at all dirty like their kisses usually are.  Andy pulls away when he hears his mom clear her throat in his doorway.  Sid looks at him and rolls his eyes.  He looks annoyed, but his back to is Andy’s mom so she can’t see him.

            “Sid, why don’t you stay for dinner?”

            Sid turns.  “Oh, no, that’s okay, but thanks.”

            “I don’t think you know me well enough yet, because that wasn’t actually a question.”

            “Right.”  Sid coughs. “I really can’t, though.  Hannah—”

            “She can come over, too.  She has plenty times before.”

            “Right,” says Sid again.  Andy can tell he’s trying to think of more excuses.  “But—”

            “I’m making ravioli and I really do have too much. Andy can go get Hannah for you, and you can help me make the salad.”

            Sid is quiet.  Andy is mortified; he assumes this must be payback for the time he threw up on his mom’s new shoes when he was six.  There’s no other explanation except his mom is starting to cash in now for every crappy thing he ever did to her.

            “Everyone has families, even you.  Wouldn’t hurt you to get to know us better.  Molly’s really fascinated by all your tattoos. I’m sure she has a million questions about them.”

            “Awesome,” says Sid, the tone in his voice dry.

            “I’d like to know about them, too.  Come on.  I’ll see you downstairs.  Don’t forget to call Hannah, Andy, and let her know you’re going to pick her up.” Andy’s mom walks away and back down the stairs.

            “Cockblocked by my own mother,” jokes Andy. 

            Sid turns and looks at him.  “Is she serious?  What the fuck do I know about making salad?  This is exactly why I don’t do relationships.  They come with families and dinners and – apparently fucking salad.”

            Andy deflates.  “You don’t have to.  I’ll make an excuse for you.”

            “Don’t be a martyr.”

            “I don’t want to force you to spend time here if you don’t want to.”

            “Don’t be dumb,” Sid groans.  “Of course I have to.  Your mom is relentless.  But I’m timing you.  I know exactly how long it takes to get to my house and back and if you take a detour and leave me alone with her longer than necessary, I’ll know.”

            “What’ll you do?” asks Andy, his voice low.

            Something wicked flashes in Sid’s eyes.  “I still have some tricks up my sleeve that I haven’t inflicted on you yet,” he whispers.  “But still.  You have twenty-two minutes.”

***

            Andy doesn’t know what was said between his mom and Sid while he was out getting Hannah, but when he gets back, there’s something different in the air.  Sid doesn’t come over for dinner again, but he starts picking Andy up at the house whenever they go hangout somewhere – he’ll even come up to the front door.  He picks Hannah up on the days she comes over to do homework, says hello, and then takes her home.  It’s a weird change and Andy doesn’t know what brings it on, but he doesn’t want to jinx it.

            School ends rather anticlimactically.  There’s prom which Andy doesn’t want to go to.  Georgia does, and Andy agrees to take her since she’s proven to be such a good friend this past year.  They go to dinner with a group of people, their old crowd, and only Brian asks him where his boyfriend is.

            “He’s out with some friends,” Andy answers, which is true.  Sid went to meet up with Mike and Kirkpatrick to play pool.

            “That doesn’t bother you?”

            “Why should it?  He didn’t want to go to prom and I didn’t want to go play pool.”

            Which isn’t really too much of a lie.  Andy is indifferent to playing pool, if he is being honest, he only goes for the company.  And he likes that he’s here with Georgia, who looks prettier than any of the other guys’ dates.  Sid asks him to come over in his tux afterwards, and Andy wakes him up at three in the morning.  It doesn’t take long for Sid to tie his hands behind his back with the blue tie he got to match Georgia’s dress. 

            Sid doesn’t come to Andy’s graduation, but Andy doesn’t ask him to.  He doesn’t like to remind Sid how much younger he is.  Andy goes to a party at Cliff’s lake house, but he and Georgia end up leaving early, still sober and ready to leave that world behind them.  Andy mows lawns again that summer to make money, all of which he puts into savings.  During the days he hangs out with Georgia and Hannah, sometimes at the community pool, sometimes at his house.  Once a week he has to drive Molly to gym practice and usually Hannah tags along. They go to a coffeeshop around the corner and have lattes and croissants and bemoan their boring summer.

            At the end of July, Sid asks if Andy wants to go with him to take Hannah to camp in Chicago.  Andy can’t go with him to drop her off because his grandma is town, but he can go with him the next weekend to pick her up. Camp ends at nine in the morning on the following Saturday, so Sid wants to leave Friday after work and get a hotel room that night.  When Andy’s mom asks where he’s going, he tells her the truth. 

            “You’re going for an entire night with Sid?”

            “Yes.”

            His mom looks skeptical.  “No one else is going?  Just the two of you?”

            “Yes.”

            “And I’m sure if I say no, you’ll go anyway?”

            “I turn eighteen in two days, so you really can’t stop me.”

            She narrows her eyes and puts her hands on her hips, but Andy doesn’t back down. 

            “But your birthday.”

            “You can buy me a cake when I get back Saturday night.”

            “You’re my baby,” she says softly, “and you’re going to college in two weeks and who knows what you’ll do there.  I want to keep you innocent for as long as I still can.”

            “Oh, Mom,” sighs Andy, “I haven’t been innocent for a couple of years.  And I haven’t been innocent with Sid since October.”

            His mom scrunches her face.  “Don’t tell your mother things like that.”

            “Well if that’s what’s keeping you from letting me go—”

            She waves a hand.  “Fine, fine, go.  But when you get back you need to clean out your room and start packing for your big move to your dorm.”

            Andy sighs and nods.  “Yeah, all right.”

            The ride to Chicago is mostly quiet, but they stop for soda and French fries, which they eat while listening to Sid’s alternative rock music blasting through the speakers.  Sid asks what college Andy is going to and they drive through the campus once they get to Chicago.  Sid says it’s because he wants to see where Andy’ll be soon, but Andy wants to keep pretending the move isn’t happening. 

            The hotel Sid gets is cheap and he pays an upcharge to be allowed to smoke inside.  The desk clerk asks if he needs one bed or two, and Sid says, “Surprise me.” The clerk looks amused and hands Sid a key.  When they get to the room, there’s only a king, which Andy is grateful for – more room to move around.  He pulls back the bed covers, toes off his shoes, and lays down.  The sheets aren’t particularly soft, but they’re at least visibly clean.  Sid flops down next to him, boots off, and lights a cigarette.  Sid’s usually clean shaven except for the patch of hair on his chin, but it feels like he hasn’t shaved in a couple days.  Andy runs his fingers back and forth across his cheeks, the stubble like sandpaper.

            “I’ll be back here in a couple weeks,” says Andy.

            “I don’t want to know when.”

            “What?”

            “Don’t tell me when you leave,” says Sid.  “I don’t really like goodbyes.  Too much pressure.”

            Andy nods.  “All right.”  He frowns. “So you don’t want me to even tell you when it’s my last night in town?”

            “Nope.”

            “Then.  How will you know?”

            “When you stop showing up, I guess.”         

            Andy turns over onto his back and ponders this. He thinks it’s bullshit.  Sid must sense this because he puts his cigarette out in the ashtray on the bedside table and turns over to him, pressing kisses into his neck.

            “It’s your birthday this weekend, right?”

            “Mm hmm.  What’d you buy me?”

            “Nothing.  But whatever you want to do, I’ll do it.” 

            Andy shivers.  “Anything?”

            Sid licks into Andy’s mouth and bites his bottom lip.  “Yeah, what weird-ass thing have you been too afraid to ask for?”

            “I don’t – I don’t know.”

            Sid lifts his head and pushes the hair off Andy’s forehead.  “Yeah, you do.  I know there’s all kinds of things rolling around in that brain of yours.”

            Andy’s breath quickens.  “You already do what I like.”

            Sid rolls his eyes and bites at Andy’s neck. “That’s all you want?  Me to tie you up from time to time?”

            “Boss me around,” says Andy, “tell me what to do.”

            “Boss you around, huh?” 

            “Yeah, but I like it when you’re a little mean about it.”

            “You need me to rough you up?”

            Andy nods and licks his lips.  “And, you know.  I like when you say things.”

            Sid raises his eyebrows.

            “When you talk dirty.”

            “Jesus, Andy.”

            Andy blushes.

            “No one would ever know you’re not the stereotypical boy next door.  With your freckles and skinny jeans.”

            “They’re not—”

            “They’re skinnier than mine.”

            “I just want you to take control of me,” Andy says softly.  “Completely.”

            Sid gets up and stands next to the bed.  He takes his shirt off and then motions for Andy to come to him.

            Andy stands.

            “Undo my belt.”

            Andy’s fingers fiddle with the buckle until it’s undone.

            “Take it all the way off and hand it to me.”

            Andy pulls it through the beltloops and hands it to Sid who tosses it behind him on the bed.

            “Now my jeans.  That’s good.  All the way off.  And my boxers.  Good job.” Sid grabs a handful of Andy’s hair and pulls his head to the side, exposing his neck.  Andy whimpers, not because it hurts – even though it does just a little – but because of the forcefulness, the purposefulness.  With his other hand, Sid pulls the neck of Andy’s shirt to the side, baring his shoulder.  He kisses the skin, then bites it, sucks just enough to leave a mark. He kisses up to Andy’s ear and tugs on his lobe with his teeth.  “Get on your knees,” he whispers.  “I want to fuck your mouth.”

            He lets go of Andy’s hair as soon as he says it and Andy immediately drops to his knees.  A rush of heat pools in his stomach and he tries not to smile as he opens his mouth.  Sid’s hands are in his hair, pushing him in closer.  He already knows Andy can take all of him in, Andy’s done it before, but this time he’s saying the nastiest things and Andy has to remind himself to breathe.

            When he pulls away from Andy’s mouth, he laughs. “You’re drooling,” he says.  “You love my dick that much?”

            Andy nods.

            “Come on,” Sid says.  “Get up, get undressed.”

            Andy pulls off his shirt before he even stands. Sid kisses him roughly, sweeping his tongue all over the inside of Andy’s mouth.

            “Trying to taste myself on you,” says Sid.  Then he smiles wickedly.  “The bottle of lube is in the front pocket of my bag.  Get it.”

            Andy does and turns back around to hand it to Sid.

            “No.  Lay down,” instructs Sid.  “Pull your knees up.  I want to watch you open yourself up for me.”

            This is something Andy has never done.  Sid usually does it for him, loosens him up, readies him.  He does it while they kiss or while Sid goes down on him.  This now would be like being on display for Sid, like a show. Andy hesitates but gets on the bed when Sid clears his throat.

            Sid kneels on the mattress near Andy’s feet, watching.  Andy’s nervousness goes away completely when he hears Sid say, “You’re so fucking hot.” His tone is reverent, not dirty or rough like the last few things he’s said.  He pushes Andy’s knees further apart.

            Andy tells him he’s ready, but Sid refuses.  He moves to the top of the bed, sitting up against the headboard.  He orders Andy to climb in his lap.  Orders him to take him inside.  To move his hips. 

            “Tell me how good riding my dick feels,” Sid growls.

            This whole experience is a glimpse of something new, a taste of new way.  As rough as Sid sounded giving orders, Andy knows he could be firmer, dirtier, with some practice.  He also knows this may be the last time.

            “It hurts – so good,” pants Andy.  “Stretching me out … I need it …”

            Sid comes first, biting down hard on Andy’s shoulder.  He stays in him, tells Andy to get himself off with his hand, and watches.  They stay like that after Andy finishes, together, sticky.  Sid kisses Andy everywhere and keeps his arms around his back.

            “How can you give this up?” Andy asks.

            Sid pauses, lips on Andy’s collarbone.  “I’m not giving anything up.”

            “Sid.”

            “Don’t ruin the moment.”  Sid falls back against the headboard. 

            “I’m not trying—”

            “I don’t want to give anything up, but I live in reality.  We’d go weeks without seeing each other, probably months, and I want you to go out and have fun with your new friends without feeling guilty about me sitting back home.  Which I won’t be, because I’ll be out with my own friends.”

            “I understand it every time you say it,” Andy says, “but it doesn’t mean I agree.”

            Sid nods and shrugs.  He looks helpless, as though he doesn’t have any more answers.

            “I don’t want to miss you,” Sid says.  “If we try to keep this up then all we’ll do is go crazy missing each other.”

            “It’s better than the alternative.”

            Sid shakes his head and Andy senses he either needs to change the subject or they’re going to argue, and he doesn’t want to fight on his birthday.

            “I like when you boss me around, though,” Andy says, clenching his muscles around Sid.

            Sid closes his eyes and groans in the back of his throat.  “How serious you into this?”

            “I don’t know.”  Andy blushes and lowers his eyes.  “I don’t think I’d mind if you, you know, pushed me around a little.”

            “Pushed you around,” repeats Sid.  He opens his eyes wide.  “What does that mean?  You want me to hit you?”

            Andy’s blush deepens.  His face is on fire.

            “No way.  I don’t want to hurt you.”

            Andy meets his gaze.  “Even if I wanted you to?”

            Sid opens his mouth and then closes it.  He seems to be at a loss for words.

            “You could bend me over.  Slap me around.  Make me red before you take me again.  I know you like being in control when we fool around.  Take it one step further.”

            “Are you trying to kill me here?”

            Andy grins.  “I don’t know.  Maybe a little.”

            “Jesus, Andy.”

            Andy’s grin widens.

***

            The next morning they leave the hotel around seven to get breakfast before going to pick up Hannah from camp.  Andy feels a little guilty; they leave the sheets absolutely filthy and the room stinking of sex. 

            The basketball camp was held on one of the many college campuses in the city.  Hannah got a scholarship to attend and it was a week-long intensive for high school girls already on their school teams.  Sid tells Andy how he was more than happy to take her and also proud.

            “Maybe she’ll get a scholarship to college like you. She could use some good luck in her life.”

            There’s several signs staked into the ground, giving them directions to the pick-up site.  Sid parks amongst a sea of other cars and they follow sets of parents all walking into the large gymnasium also picking up their girls.

            Andy spots Hannah immediately and guides Sid over to her.  She’s standing with three other girls, one of whom Andy recognizes from the girls’ team back at school – now his alma mater.

            “Hi!” Hannah greets, waving her hand.  She looks happier than Andy has ever seen her.  She gives both of them a hug at the same time. “This is Andy and Sid,” she introduces. “Sid’s my brother.  This is Devon, Bianca, and Kylee.”

            Sid nods his hello.  Andy can tell he isn’t interested in meeting any of Hannah’s new friends.

            “This is your brother?” asks the one named Devon. She’s tall, slender, with thick dreads. “You guys look nothing alike. Nice tattoos.”

            Sid glances at his arm.  Everything is fully filled in now.  It looks cohesive and tough.  Andy loves it.

            “How old are you?”

            “How old are _you_?” Sid counters.

            “I’m eighteen.  You’re really hot.”    

            “He’s gay,” says Hannah.

            “No fucking way,” Devon says.  She looks at Andy as though it’s the first time she’s realizing he’s there.  “Who’re you?”

            “I’m Andy.”

            Devon raises her eyebrows as though that doesn’t answer her question.  

            “He’s my best friend,” says Hannah.

            “He’s _my_ best friend,” Sid contradicts.

            Andy blushes.

            “You guys are cute together,” Kylee, the girl from Hannah’s team, says.  “I used to see you guys at Mario’s.  I worked there on weekends.”

            Andy doesn’t remember, but he also knows whenever he’s out with Sid, he doesn’t pay much attention to anything else.

            “Stop fangirling my brother,” Hannah laughs.  She picks up her bags.  “Let’s go.”

            “All the cute ones are gay,” Devon fake moans. She grins.  “If you ever change your mind about girls, I live right here in Chicago.”

            “I won’t,” says Sid, “but that’s very flattering.”

            “Call me,” Devon says to Hannah.  “We’ll figure out how to get you back to Chicago for a weekend of partying.”

            “Okay.  Bye guys!”

            “How come they always hit on you?” Andy says as they walk away.  “But never me.”

            “It’s that bullshit bad boy vibe, remember?”

            Andy laughs.  “Yeah, I remember.”

            Hannah talks about camp as they pull out of the parking lot.  It’s mostly about the other girls she’s met and less about the game.  She says it was nice to be around people who didn’t know anything about her.  Andy listens as Sid asks her questions.  Once they’re on the interstate, Sid pulls Andy’s hand into his lap and holds it there for the rest of the ride back.

***

            The last two weeks of summer fly by.  Andy cleans out his room of all his old crap, broken toys, old playthings, and too-small clothes.  He packs everything he needs for his dorm in boxes in his room.  He tries to see Sid every day because soon he won’t see him again.  On his last night in town, he wants to tell Sid this is it, but he can’t.  He promised he wouldn’t.  He tries to keep a good poker face, but it’s hard.  When he leaves to go home, he tells Sid, “I’ll see you tomorrow,” even though tomorrow he is supposed to disappear forever.

            When tomorrow comes, he says goodbye to his mom and to Molly.  They both cry and his mother triple checks that he doesn’t want her to help him move into the dorms.

            “I feel like I need to do it on my own.”

            He doesn’t tell her that he needs to be alone on the ride because he’ll need the five hour drive to cry out all his tears so he can arrive on campus all dried up.  He intends to drive off and get on the interstate, but he can’t make himself do it.  He knows Sid is at work, knows he’s not supposed to say good bye, but it’s all such bullshit.  It’s almost like he has no control over himself and his car drives straight to the bike shop.  He parks and gets out.

            Andy walks into Down Shift.  He feels slightly delirious.  He asks the new guy behind the register to get Sid for him.  The guy looks at Andy somewhat confused, but goes to the back anyway.  When Sid walks out, he looks surprised, asks what Andy’s doing there in the middle of the morning.

            “I need to talk to you.”

            Sid must be able to see the broken expression on Andy’s face because he agrees.

            “Yeah, okay.”  He leads Andy back outside to the parking lot.  He leans against the trunk of Andy’s car and waits.  The expression on his face is steel and it makes Andy even more upset.

            “I’m supposed to be on the road right now, but I can’t.”  Andy presses the heels of his palms against his eyes and tries to steady his breathing. “Like.  You told me not to say goodbye but that’s so much bullshit.”  He drops his hands by his sides.  “I can’t leave without saying goodbye.”

            “You’re leaving now?”

            “Yes.”  Andy feels the tears in his eyes.  “But I don’t want to leave knowing that as soon as I drive away we’re breaking up – even though, I _know_ we aren’t technically even dating.  I can’t – Sid, I can’t do it.  I don’t want to leave if it means we can’t see each other anymore.”

            “Andy—”

            “And I’m really pissed.  I’m pissed that you’re putting the entirety of me leaving on me. Making me keep it a secret so you don’t have to say goodbye.  And I can’t even mourn losing you because you never admitted we were in a relationship, so I’m going to drive to Chicago crying over something that never even existed.”

            “No.  Please.” 

            Andy blinks and the tears fall.

            Sid pulls Andy to him and wraps his arms around him, pulling him tightly against his chest.  “Please don’t cry.  Shit.”

            “Why are you okay with letting me go?”

            “I’m not, but I’m trying to be realistic.”

            “Screw being realistic.”  He hears Sid breathe in deeply, his hands tangle in Andy’s hair. “Sid?”

            “Yeah.”  Sid pulls back and rests their foreheads together.  “Give it until Thanksgiving.  Three months.  Okay? We’ll see if we still want to be with each other after three months apart.  I can’t afford to go see you every weekend, and you have homework and—”

            “I know all the reasons,” Andy snaps, pulling away from Sid’s grasp.

            “Give it until Thanksgiving,” Sid says again. “And then we’ll see what happens. You need to live your life there free of strings.”

            Andy shakes his head.  “I feel like my heart breaking right now.  I’ve never felt anything like this before.”

            Sid tenses.  “I know.  Mine too.”

            Andy laughs.  He knows it sounds cruel.  He shakes his head.  “No way.”

            “It existed,” Sid says.  “All of it.  Me and you.”

            Andy crosses his arms.  “No.  You don’t get to say that now.  You don’t get to say that now that I’m leaving.  It’s not fair.”  He wipes away fresh tears.

            “I’m an asshole.”

            “Yeah!” Andy agrees.  “You are.  But, please—”

            “I love you,” says Sid.

            Andy freezes.

            “And I don’t want to break up with you, but come on. Please be realistic.”

            “Since when?”

            “What?”

            “Since when have you loved me?” Andy asks.

            Sid looks uncomfortable.  He adjusts the backwards camo hat on his head,  “I don’t know.  I thought about keeping you around when you drove Hannah home from that party after I blew you off.  But, um, at least since your basketball game.”  Sid shrugs. “I don’t know, Andy.  I’m fucking yours and you know it.  It kills me that you’re moving and I won’t get to see you every day.  I don’t like being like this.  I don’t like feeling sick over the thought of not spending Wednesday afternoons in your stupid twin bed.  Fuck it, Andy, I don’t want to miss you.”

            Andy goes to him, kisses him.  It’s not dirty or rough, but it’s intense.  He tries to put everything he’s feeling into this kiss.

            “I love you,” he says, pulling away.  He clings to Sid.

            “You have to go,” Sid says.  He tries to push Andy away.  “You have to get on the road.”

            “I know.”  Andy takes a step back.  His eyes sting from the tears. 

            Sid’s eyes look glassy, but he doesn’t cry. Andy suspects that if he does, he’d never let anyone see it, and he would never admit to it either.  Andy’s okay with that.  He doesn’t need to see Sid cry to now know how he truly feels.

            “And you have to promise to make friends and go out and live your life.”

            “With no strings,” Andy adds.  “But I’m calling you when I get into town for Thanksgiving break.”

            “Okay.”  Sid moves away from Andy’s car so Andy can get behind the wheel.

            He sits in the driver’s seat and turns the car on. He rolls down the window.  “Hey, Sid?”

            Sid bends down, his arm on the car door, and looks at Andy. 

            “Will you – will you say it again?  Please?”

            Sid swallows and blinks hard.  “I love you,” he says again.  He kisses Andy through the open window, then steps back again to let Andy pull out of the parking space.

            Andy doesn’t even pretend to stop the tears as he drives off.  He replays Sid’s words over and over again in his head.  Replays the feel of Sid’s lips and the weight of his body when they made love. Replays the all the things he taught him over the last year.  Replays each and every second first time he shared with Sid. 

            He doesn’t know when he stops crying, but he finally does, and he starts to count the days until Thanksgiving break.  In the light of Sid loving him, waiting three months suddenly doesn’t seem so bad.

***

**End.**


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